Work Out, Baby.

One of my favorite hobbies is whining, whether it be in-person or virtually, with girl friends about eating right and working out. If I exercised as much as a I whined, Sports Illustrated would have itself a new cover model. We often send each other those clearly fake studies that say, "20 ounces of chocolate a day equals 1 hour of exercise, says scientist." We're like, "See? We're doing great. Move along."

Today's discussion covered what exercise style best fits our personality. My friend said, "I need structured classes. I need someone to tell me what to do and change it up. I get bored easily; I'm like a toddler." She has had two toddlers so I consider her an expert on toddlerisms.

It got me thinking. I already whine like a toddler. I bet we have more in common when it comes to exercise than one would think. Using what I have absorbed from my FWTs (Friends with Toddlers), I have come up with a few similarities.

1. Puddle Melting: It's not unusual for toddlers to go completely limp in aisle 7 of Target. One minute they are jabbering about wanting fruit snacks, the next minute they have morphed into an Alex Mack pile of goo (Nickelodeon 90s kid shout-out). With judging glares, you collect your 30-pound glob, place it in the cart and cover it with two loaves of bread.

This is me after spin class. Every time I have attempted a spin class, I loathe it with every muscle fiber of my being. This is the cycle for me. Friend asks if I want to take spin, I picture leisurely riding a bicycle, I realize- 30 seconds in- that this in no way resembles riding a bicycle, I go home and cry when I have to go to the bathroom, I vow to never do it again, a friend asks if I want to take spin, I picture myself leisurely riding a bicycle, and so on. The gig is UP. The last time I attempted Satan's favorite group class, I literally couldn't walk for a week. Like I needed someone to collect me, put me in a shopping cart and stick two loaves of bread on my face (I would have used it as a pillow).

2. No: Why we made the worst possible word to hear so easy to say, I don't know. But someone did that and now we have to live with tiny humans spouting it like there's no tomorrow. Come here. "No." Do you want applesauce? "No." Do you need to take a nap? "No." DO YOU WANT A MILLION DOLLAR GIFT CARD TO TOYS R US? That's what I thought.

This is me when a workout instructor (especially DVD ones- I own you. I'm the boss) tell me to do burpees. Some Crossfit fanatic please tell me why these are called that. If I eat a Sam's barrel of cheese balls while binging "Making a Murderer," I will often burpee. If I am going to do something as strenuous as drop down to all fours, get back up, slap my hands, and jump, I'm going to need it to be called something more hardcore, OK? When I'm told to do these, I straight up, toddler style, say, "Oh heck no." I will march in place until you are done with that nonsense.

3. Instantaneous Boredom: Have you ever been to a little kid's birthday party? The gift opening segment is pretty much parental damage control, It's a PR nightmare. You spend 15 minutes amidst the aisles of Wal-Mart doing FBI research on what toddlers like these days and the kid looks at it for 1.5 seconds and tosses it and grabs the next package. The parents pick it up, embarrassed, and try to show it to them again, but the child is like "BYE FELICIA" and tosses it to the curb once more. The parents try to explain that it will get played with when there isn't so much stimuli around. It's OK. He's 2. I get it.

I also get it because this is how I am with workout routines. Zumba classes tread the very fine line of being repetitive enough for you to learn the dang dance and not being so repetitive that you want to send threatening letters to Carly Rae Jepsen for bringing "Call Me Maybe" into the world. There came a point when "Dark Horse" by Katy Perry would come on and my legs would begin to shake in preparation of the leg routine. It's like my thighs were Pavlov's dogs and Katy Perry was the bell. I need to constantly shake it up (NOT SHAKE IT OFF. GO AWAY TECHNO TAYLOR SWIFT).

You see, when it comes to staying in shape, we're all babies. Ok, maybe not all of us. Some of you have Instagram accounts full of pictures of you and your boyfriend working out together. If I did that, it would be a picture of Justin telling me that if I can go immediately into my second set, I need to add more weight and push myself harder. It would be a sepia tone picture of me rolling my eyes.

I'm starting a "Biggest Loser" challenge next week with some church mates. Luckily, our church has inherited some shopping carts from the Target across the parking lot. Now I just need two loaves of bread and someone to push me around.