5 Problems You Won't Have Post-Wedding

Last weekend fulfilled the second of my trio of summer weddings. I’m sure it’s just a newlywed thing, but every wedding seems to spur some type of memory from your own ceremony. Unless you are Justin who— judging by his questions at their wedding reception—apparently suffers from wedding day amnesia. It seems to run rampant in males I hear.

While I look upon other people’s ceremonies with very fond memories, there’s still that part of me that is irrevocably relieved that I will never have to do that again.

Welcome to your world post-wedding:

· The next time people stand up and share embarrassing stories about you, you will be dead and won’t have to hear it. In old Irish tradition, friends and family would tell mortifying stories about the bride and groom in an attempt to test the strength of their potential union. She sucked her thumb until she was 14. He wet the bed once in college. Still want to walk down the aisle with Miss I-Have-A-Weird-Birthmark? Ok, so I made the whole Irish tradition part up. But say hello to your new, story-free life.

· You don’t ever have to pretend to be the Queen of England on an invite ever again. I listed Justin’s parents on the invitation despite its deviation from wedding etiquette. I was watching my back for the crew of “The Knot” to whisk me away to bridal prison, but it never happened. Couples with divorced parents, remarried parents, a dad who now wants to go by Roberta instead of Robert, rejoice! You can invite them down to the BBQ on Facebook without adding that it’s at “two o’clock in the afternoon.”

· People will rarely try to get you to panic about mundane things. There’s always that one girl. She’s like a Fox News reporter on Red Bull. “The flowers didn’t bloom!” “It’s raining!” “The caterer dropped the ham on the floor.” “The cake is melting!” “The preacher is late!” “One of the groomsmen just tried on his tux for the first time and he looks like Paul Bunyan in munchkin pants.” In weddings, these people are rewarded for their bravery. In real life, they are usually punched in the face.

· The next time a four-year-old dressed like Little Bo Peep tries to ruin your day, you will be the rightful parent who can spank her in the church bathroom. But alas, she is your flower girl. And despite the fact that she has lifted her dress above her head in front of all of your guests, you are to play it cool and hope your photographer has the latest Photoshop.

· No more awkward photos. Justin and I don’t make a habit of lying on a quilt with a banjo and an old camera. We don’t stare at each other from opposite sides of a giant oak tree. It’s been over a year now and he hasn’t had to carry me while simultaneously grinning one time. Enjoy your new life of iPhone selfies.

I’ve heard that some brides get post-wedding blues. It’s like after a year of cake testing, you realize your cake has already been eaten by all your relatives and you didn’t get a piece. I get it. But just think of all the stresses you will never have to endure again. And when you do, you will gladly trade in the taffeta for some cartoon-print pajama pants.

Cheetah.

I read an article yesterday that discussed a new realm of spousal unfaithfulness— one that won’t land you on the Maury Show, but may place you on hostile ground with your husband or wife: Netflix cheating. This is when a couple agrees to go through an instant streaming show together, only to have one or both parties secretly watching the show separately.

While I’ve never fully gone through with it, I have been that wife on the brink, clutching the remote and staring at the “Recently Watched” list with covetous eyes. It was a cliffhanger. He’s out of town for three days. He’ll.never.know. We can watch it again and I can just act like I have no idea what’s about to happen next.

I know myself though. And I know the end result of that scenario involves me lying on the couch with brownie batter on my face and the final episode completed. So I resist.

Here are some other signs that some faux infidelity may be goin’ on around your house:

· Empty remnants of your favorite foods are placed back on the shelf. If you go to pour yourself a non-existent bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, chances are, he’s moved on to bigger and better things…like your cereal. If she makes 7 cookies, you know she’s been spending a little too much time with the cookie dough.

· The surprise gifts that enter your home seem to be for someone else. A stuffed squirrel, a squeaky fox, peanut butter-flavored rawhides.

· Saturday Night Live is no longer highlighted on your DVR list. Yep. Someone had a date with the Justin Timberlake episode while you were at your parents’ house.

· Taylor Swift is on your radio when you turn it on. Your wife may claim to think the melodramatic singer is pitchy and ridiculous, but when you’re gone, honey—your wife is busting out, “We are never ever ever getting back together” like you dumped her at the breakfast table.

· You find the remains of a Sonic outing. Know how you both established that the excessive eating out would STOP this month? That doesn’t hinder your walking barrel of hormones from downing a corndog and mozzarella sticks on the way home. Always look in the middle of the trashcan and pay attention for signs of recent perfume use: think fried food + tropical fruit.

· She buys you a new shirt. This is often used as a distraction. You think she went to the mall with the full intention of buying you a plaid shirt you didn’t need? Uh no. She bought 3 skirts too and decided on a sale price peace offering.

· She disappears in hourly spurts throughout the day. So. She’s totally going to the bedroom to watch an ABC Family soap opera. She will finish the season before you know the show’s title.

I’ll be the first to tell you that secrets aren’t healthy. But sometimes the meaningless mysteries that make up our lives are all we’ve got left to ourselves (right, Moms who can’t go to the bathroom without a little hand under the door?)

So listen to terrible music. Douse the car in body spray to hide the scent of French Fries.

The stupid stuff you don’t know won’t hurt you.

The Mother's Day Interview

I've hit a very interesting age-- the age when you realize, "Hey, my mom was this old when she had me. Yikes." I guess the disillusionment that follows arises mainly because you thought your mother had her act together all these years. And then you're sitting at your desk, almost 27, and it occurs to you: I have no stinkin' idea what I'm doing. So, surely, surely she didn't either.

So, being the faux journalist that I am, I decided to find out. Because-- after all-- the word parent is vital in the composition of the word transparent. While my mom is not as much of the spill-your-guts persuasion as me, she graciously agreed to answer a few of my questions.

A: When you got your first job out of college, was it all that you thought it would be?

R: I was scared to death. It wasn’t near as glamorous as I thought it would be, and much more tiring. I was moved to day shift fairly soon, but would come home and just lay down and fall asleep on the couch most afternoons when I got home from work.

A: What was different about how you pictured things versus how they were in reality?

R: I guess I thought that being a nurse was going to always feel rewarding, but there were just some nights I just wanted to make it through the shift without crying! I felt like I never had time to do anything that I enjoyed anymore. So I would actually take some of my needlework and go to dinner by myself and just work on that and have some quiet time without anyone needing anything from me.

A: What was the hardest adjustment for you when you first got married?

R: I’m not sure...I had some frustrations with having to budget for every single thing. We didn’t have much money and Dad was very frugal. Looking back, this was probably really good, but at the time, it seemed that I couldn’t do all the things that some of my friends were getting to do, or buy some of the things that I thought I wanted.

A: What is a lesson you had to learn the hard way about being a good spouse?

R: I didn’t always realize how important it was to Dad for me to support his job. It seemed like a lot of trouble sometimes to get all of you kids out for something, but it was apparent that Dad really wanted me there. But supporting him and listening was really something that he needed from me. So even when I was tired or didn’t want to go at first, I made the effort.

A: Name a time when you got mad about something ridiculous within marriage because you were hormonal.

R: Oh my! I think there are several. The one that I remember the most, probably because Dad will not let me forget it, is the time he ran over a little tree that I had planted with the lawn mower. Like I said, we didn’t have a lot of money for things like plants, etc.. so I had gone down to the creek and dug up a little sapling. I had been tending it and watering it for weeks before he mowed over it! I cried like he had killed my baby! Looking back on it, it was ridiculous how upset I got.

A: Besides the initial excitement, what really went through your head when you found out you were going to be a Mom for the first time?

R: I pray that I can do this! Will I be a good parent?

A: Name a time when you remember feeling overwhelmed in your responsibilities as a wife, mother, and nurse? (Maybe the time you asked us to let you out of the van on the way to church—haha).

R: Ha...I don’t remember that even. I was blessed that I didn’t have to work when you kids were younger. But I did have a number of times that I felt a little overwhelmed (or sorry for myself maybe). I often felt like I could never finish the housework or get things done. I wish I had learned earlier to let go of some of the things that are not that important. I think I felt like part of my identity was tied up in how clean my house was or how well my yard was mowed, or how perfect my kids were. I spent way too much time stressing about some of those things.

A: Did you ever feel like you had to act like you had it together when you didn’t?

R: ALL the time!

A: What was something you came to understand about your own parents after you became one yourself?

R: They are doing the best that they can!

A: What is something you said you would never say or do as a parent that you ended up doing?

R: I hated it when I was younger and would say that I was bored and mom would say, “Well, I have something that you can do!” I didn’t think I would ever do that, but I did. I guess as a parent you feel like you have SO much to do all the time it is frustrating when others act like there is nothing that they could do to help you. I realize it was never about that, but when you are stressed, that is what it feels like.

A: Did you ever feel judged by society or other people about motherhood expectations—and decisions you made along the way? (This is a big pressure today with blogs, Pinterest, etc. Just wondering if it was like that back then).

R: Sure. I actually quit buying magazines because I was content as long as I was blissfully unaware of what everyone else had. Ha... the truth is most young parents are feeling the same pressures.

I know I get daughter of the year for this exposé on my dear mother's insecurities. But I use it to point out just how important parental honesty is. Kids-- especially adult kids-- need that sometimes. Tell us that you hated your first boss. Tell us that you sometimes hid in the closet from us for a moment of peace. We need to know we're not alone.

And I guarantee that when you open up, your child's love and appreciation for you will only grow.

Thanks, Mom.

Wrinkled.

I’m pretty much the anti-Martha Stewart. I’m that girl who can barely close the top to the washer because it's stuffed to the brim. Sports pants roll around in Tide with my work pants; my sweatpants sometimes find their way into my underwear drawer. You just never know. I’ve been known to spray Glade on my sheets and pretend they’re fresh. So sue me.

Justin got a brand-spankin’-new pair of jeans last weekend and wore them to church. He got asked numerous times if I ironed his jeans for worship. It hits me: people do this? People iron jeans. Like rock climb their closets, pull down an appliance, put water in it, plug it in and IRON man jeans?

In the words of a famous YouTube sensation, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

I actually saw a news article today about a clothing company that boasts that its shirts “won’t wrinkle, get dirty, or smell after 100 wears.” I think I may have to look into that little dream come true.

The next time you start to feel a little intimidated, don’t ask yourself “What Would Martha Do [WWMD]?” Ask yourself “What Would Ashton Do [WWAD]?” Self-esteem, prepare for take-off.

WWMD: Take delicate clothing items to the dry cleaners.

WWAD: Return delicate clothing items to the closet and convince yourself that—in two weeks’ time—the stain has progressively gotten smaller and less noticeable.

WWMD: Wash guestroom sheets every time.

WWAD: Mom and Dad slept on them last time. And they’re coming again. Your own cooties won’t kill you.

WWMD: Choose one shampoo and one conditioner to place on a neat shelf in the shower.

WWAD: For the love of choices, place 27 half-empty shampoo bottles along the side of the tub and surround your feet with 9 body washes of varying fragrances. Some days a girl feels like cherry blossom. And some days a girl wants to smell like a giant coconut.

WWMD: Iron clothes before going in public.

WWAD: Shove them in the dryer, throw in a wet hand towel and hope for some McSteamy action.

WWMD: Set the table for guests.

WWAD: Place a pile of forks, knives and napkins at the center of the table and say, “Go fish.”

WWMD: Create an array of appetizers for guests.

WWAD: Order an appetizer basket as your meal. Chicken tenders, hot wings, mini burgers and artichoke dip all at one time? Yes please.

WWMD: Spring clean. 

WWAD: Spring to clean when your mother-in-law is 10 minutes from your house. 

My second favorite household chore is ironing.  My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.  ~Erma Bombeck

17 Problems I Haven't Had Since Harding

1. This fruit parfait is $8.50. This muffin the size of my face is $2. Save the diet or save the DCB bucks?

2. In Christian Home class. Must listen carefully to class discussions and pick out husband accordingly. Male chauvinists in the back, future dad material in the front.

3. One of the sophomores in my social club just yelled at me for messing up my Bible verse. This is by far the hardest week of my entire life.

4. It’s spring. Time to be politically incorrect, don my Asian attire and dance to the latest hits. This is by far the best week of my entire life.

5. I only have a $10 bill and everyone in the Student Center is going to Africa.

6. Attila the Hun has R.A. lobby duty. Must use the back door. Or my skirt that shrunk in the wash is TOAST.

7. None of the Bison Daze high school kids took my chapel seat. I guess I’ll have to stay while my friends head to the Student Center for a chicken biscuit.

8. Going to take a shortcut between two buildings. Accidentally stumbled upon a couple having their own “open house” under the stairwell.

9. I grabbed a to-go tray when I entered the cafeteria, but saw some friends on the way out. Cafeteria worker kicked me out because of my costly Styrofoam decision. Not leaving? That will cost you two swipes.

10. Please don’t make me play Apples to Apples at a coffeehouse. Putting Hitler as your happy card is not ironic. Stop saying ironic.

11. I wish the guy next to me in chapel would take a bath every once in a while and not wear his Spiderman pajama pants.

12. Guess I’m going to have to get the guts to ask this guy next to me in World Lit if he wants to go to a function with me. And then discreetly throw in that he also has to dress up like a Christmas tree.

13. I swear she’s been on the front lawn all day. I wonder what her major is. Sign me up.

14. What are Chacos? What is North Face? Must get both. And wear both together at the same time.

15. My Bible professor just had us buy a book with the word “radical” on it. He’s so current and “gets us.” I love him.

16. This girl behind me thinks she can hit the “Amen” part in “O Lord, Our Lord.” She can’t.

17. Going to Greece for a semester doesn’t make you an expert on ancient Biblical texts, sister. So put your hand down, stop saying, “Well, when I was in Athens,” and leave it to the person who say…got their doctorate in it.

Rulebreaker

If the invitations hanging on my fridge for dear life are any indication, this is going to be a summer of weddings. The grand finale, in June, will be that of the youngest Reely child. It’s hard to believe that all three of us will be married.

That one of these days we will no longer be the “coordinated” but will be the coordinators in charge of getting our familial units together for birthday parties and holidays. We’re going to have to halfway act like we have a clue what’s going on. Should be fun.

As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, I’ve never really been a fan of traditional marriage advice. Maybe it’s because you hear it a bajillion times before and after marriage. Maybe it’s because it creates this ticking time bomb in the back of your head.

Always remember: The first year of marriage is by far the most difficult. So you’re sitting there, 9 months in, waiting for the predicted volcanic explosion that’s supposed to occur in the middle of your living room.

My gift to you, dear newlyweds, almost newlyweds, and thinking about being newlyweds, is this refreshing debunking of common things that may not ring true for you either. And I’ll probably get you a mixing bowl or something, too.

• Don’t go to bed angry. The person who came up with this one obviously didn’t have a king size bed. And was somehow able to defeat anger’s interesting way of making one an IRRATIONAL LUNATIC. Sometimes a girl just needs to sleep it off. It’s much preferable to trying to solve a midnight dispute with the cognitive skills of a tantrum-throwing child.

• Marriage naturally brings you closer together. Does it literally draw you closer together? Yes. Sometimes you feel like if one more living creature enters the bathroom while you pee, you are going to scream. But the other closeness—the emotional intimacy that most people crave—is hard work and must be maintained. I learned this after several feigned attempts at listening. I would unknowingly ask Justin a question and then zone out. Why is a Facebook picture of my 2nd grade teacher's lasagna more captivating to me than the living, breathing human in front of me? Be deliberate. Be sincere. That’s my new motto. Baby steps, right?

• It's going to be a Nicholas Sparks movie 24/7. I am treading lightly here for the sake of propriety. But don't feel like you're on the road to failure if your life is more Comedy Central and less "The Notebook" for a while. I'll leave it at that. 

• Husbands expect you to _____________. Wives expect you to _______________. Fill in the blank with your choice. I’ve heard it all. He wants to come home to a cooked dinner. She expects you to buy her jewelry. What people fail to mention is that every spouse on this planet is a unique individual, with personalized needs and expectations. It is your job, not to learn the expectations of men, but to learn what works for you and your family. I had a friend with two young children who left a marriage seminar completely defeated. She said to her husband that night, “I will try so much harder to have the house cleaned when you get home—since ya'll don’t like to come home to a mess.” It was then that he looked at her and said, "I want to see toys on the floor. I want to see boats in the tub. Because that means that you are at home playing with our children." My heart melted in that moment. It was then that I realized that no one's expectations should matter except for Justin's.

So break the rules. Be the exception. And love every minute.