5 Honest HGTV Quotes

There's something about standing on the plank of 30 that leads you to HGTV's pretentious door. You start looking to granite counter tops for solace and decide that your lack of an open floor plan is making you feel trapped in your own home.

You haven't been fully sucked into the madness, though, as long as you still harbor a deep disdain for all of the couples on the show. I make fun of Justin for shouting at the TV during ballgames, but he doesn't know that it hasn't been a complete day for me yet if I haven't yelled, "You can paint over the lavender, you moron! Paint isn't permanent!"

Here are the quotes that I think would fill the show instead if the couples were truly honest with themselves and others.

1. "I need a clear view into the living room from the kitchen so I can watch my family as I OPEN A PAPA JOHN'S PIZZA BOX. Ok, Barefoot Contessa. Cool it with the 'I spend 2 1/2 hours on supper every night' bit. Your kids will see you in about 3 minutes after you pay and tip the high school delivery guy on your porch.

2. "When I say this dining room isn't sufficient for entertaining, I am floating around in my dream world where my husband and his two friends don't immediately hit the recliner and sectional to discuss absolutely nothing that's going on in each other's lives." Sister, unless your Netflix isn't working, I think your entertaining abilities will be just fine. And you know it.

3. "We've outgrown this place. And what I mean by that is, my husband and I are forced to run into each other and our child when we're wandering around our house." If you want to be able to hide from your kids and spouse, just say it. Don't act like a 4-bedroom house is busting at the seams. We know your games.

4. "I need a large master bath. Not so I can take daily Jacuzzi baths like the Queen of Sheba, but so I can have another large ravine to throw dirty towels and other bath junk in." Good luck taking a bubble bath in your new $4000 laundry pit, lady.

5. "There's no home office. I will have to check Facebook and Twitter on the couch and ignore my family just like everyone else." I'm sure you really do "work from home." Apparently, in parts of LA, you can be a brain surgeon from the comfort of your home office. What else would explain a work-from-home house budget of $1.5 million? I know you're not selling Mary Kay.

Summer Observations

So I spent a good part of the morning trying to talk one of my friends into starting a mom blog. Her witty observations and fiery sarcasm would be a dynamite combination. But as I kept firing reasons at her, I realized that I had abandoned my blog for all of the reasons I was using to convince her to start one in the first place. "Blogging is taking mundane situations and making people relate to them," I said, patting myself on the back for this glorious sentence. Yet my blog just sits vacant in black hole internet land because I often feel like my own mundane is unworthy of a paragraph.

So I'm back (I think).

I've spent a good part of my summer with other people's kids. Luckily, my friends have good kids and have initiated me into the club quite slowly. Still, I can't help but laugh sometimes when I come back home and retreat into my "norm" of cream cheese bagel halves (with no one saying "Eww" when I offer them one) and my two weenie dogs, who bring me more joy than I am willing to admit.

Here are some of my summer observations and thoughts:

1. I can do absolutely NOTHING with your kids and I pass out when we part ways. Kids will come over to swim. Or watch a movie. Or play on their own iPads while I sit there and make sure they don't jump out the window. Yet when you pick them up, I fall out unconscious. I don't know if their video game has the option to suck the living daylight out of the nearest adult in order to level up, but I would almost bet a two-hour nap on it. Justin will find me face-down on the couch with a puddle of drool and knows just to ask, "Were you in the presence of children today?"

2. I wish kids ate like weenie dogs. A slice of cheese will get my dogs into the bath, into a kennel, into a large body of water. I have to drop the cheese onto the floor like I'm conducting a feeding at Jurassic World in order to ensure I don't lose a hand. But kids?

"What do you want to eat for lunch?"

"I would like to stop by Sonic for a small sweet tea. Next, we will make our way to Arby's for their curly fries, followed by a quick trip to McDonald's for their one-of-a-kind chicken nuggets. We will then eat all of these things at the mall so we can play at their play place. So the answer is everywhere."

Also, everyone in my family eats in 10 seconds flat. Hiccuping because you have consumed large amounts of food quickly is a thing. And we all, pups included, sit on the couch convulsing with drunk- guy- in- a -tavern hiccups. So the inspection of each individual Cheerio before eating it was painful to watch. Especially when we have to leave in 30 minutes. I think I might have scared a child a little when I said, "I'm about to get a spoon and eat your cereal with you."

3. I will probably be involved in a car line homicide someday. I have never been insecure about my Toyota Camry. It's a smooth ride. It gets great gas mileage. And then I was smashed in a 10-mile line of GMC Yukon XLs. I would give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they have 10 very large children. Maybe they coach a medium soccer team. And then a minion-sized child would jump into the back. She wasn't even toting a large art project. Let's just call it what it is: a motor home.

I hate honking. I really do. But I had to honk at a texting mom twice for not pulling forward after waiting several minutes for her to look up. I had to do this twice. "I will never see this person again in my life," I said comfortingly to myself. Until THE NEXT DAY when I got behind her again. What are the odds of that? I hunkered down so she couldn't notify the PTO of my behavior.

4. When you're not the parent, you can make up whatever answer you want. I was at swim lessons and a mom leaned over and said, "What level is your child?" "She's in the Michael Phelps group. She graduated from dolphin last year."

Meltdowns are also not a part of your everyday life so you get to look at other parents with less empathy and more THANK THE LORD. I watched a mother lower her screaming child into the pool like she was the crane of death. You would have thought sharks were jumping up out of the water to eat the girl's flailing limbs. The child I was with plopped in the water like a golden fish angel child. Now I get why parents get so celebratory with #2s on the potty and things like walking. Because your radius is just as close to a crane of death reaction.

I know the day will come when I will most likely drive an SUV motor home and pay way too much money to throw my possessed child into a pool. And I know that all of you will be there to bail me out of jail when I throw punches at Mrs. Personalized License plate in front of me in the car line.

But as for now. As for me and my household, we will s...still quickly eat large amounts of processed cheese. (Tricked you, huh?)