5 Honest HGTV Quotes

There's something about standing on the plank of 30 that leads you to HGTV's pretentious door. You start looking to granite counter tops for solace and decide that your lack of an open floor plan is making you feel trapped in your own home.

You haven't been fully sucked into the madness, though, as long as you still harbor a deep disdain for all of the couples on the show. I make fun of Justin for shouting at the TV during ballgames, but he doesn't know that it hasn't been a complete day for me yet if I haven't yelled, "You can paint over the lavender, you moron! Paint isn't permanent!"

Here are the quotes that I think would fill the show instead if the couples were truly honest with themselves and others.

1. "I need a clear view into the living room from the kitchen so I can watch my family as I OPEN A PAPA JOHN'S PIZZA BOX. Ok, Barefoot Contessa. Cool it with the 'I spend 2 1/2 hours on supper every night' bit. Your kids will see you in about 3 minutes after you pay and tip the high school delivery guy on your porch.

2. "When I say this dining room isn't sufficient for entertaining, I am floating around in my dream world where my husband and his two friends don't immediately hit the recliner and sectional to discuss absolutely nothing that's going on in each other's lives." Sister, unless your Netflix isn't working, I think your entertaining abilities will be just fine. And you know it.

3. "We've outgrown this place. And what I mean by that is, my husband and I are forced to run into each other and our child when we're wandering around our house." If you want to be able to hide from your kids and spouse, just say it. Don't act like a 4-bedroom house is busting at the seams. We know your games.

4. "I need a large master bath. Not so I can take daily Jacuzzi baths like the Queen of Sheba, but so I can have another large ravine to throw dirty towels and other bath junk in." Good luck taking a bubble bath in your new $4000 laundry pit, lady.

5. "There's no home office. I will have to check Facebook and Twitter on the couch and ignore my family just like everyone else." I'm sure you really do "work from home." Apparently, in parts of LA, you can be a brain surgeon from the comfort of your home office. What else would explain a work-from-home house budget of $1.5 million? I know you're not selling Mary Kay.