Dog Mom Blog: A Parody

I would probably start off with a video blog (I think they call them vlogs these days. Unless that is already archaic). I would be sitting at a tall marble island with a glass of wine at 10 a.m. and behind me, you would see a chandelier, tall staircase, and an immaculate Better Homes and Gardens living room. I would tell you about how little time I have to do ANYTHING. My life is completely consumed by my two dogs, Fiona and Minnie. Every minute of every day is taken up by their relentless neediness. You know, except for the two hours I have to make this vlog. And the two hours I had to perfectly curling wand my hair and contour my face. Those four hours of complete freedom don't count. Do you feel me, moms? 

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Next, I would then move over to my written blog. I would probably share this horrific crime scene that is my dogs' food bowls. I would probably say something like this:

Organic, non-GMO, veterinarian-recommended food in a bowl that matches the color scheme of my kitchen and THIS is the thanks I get. The cheapest Purina chicken nuggets it is from now on. The dog mom at the pet store who gave me the side eye for looking at hard-to-digest rawhides can just shove her Fromm where the sun don't shine. You get me? We've all been there. Walking at the park when our dog decides to pop a squat on the sidewalk. LIKE YOUR DOG DOESN'T POOP, JANICE. And yes. I put my dogs in pajamas from time to time. SO SUE ME. Oh, this rant started because they left some food in their bowl? Oops. I guess I'm on track to being a real blogger. 

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I would next bring my written voice down to a soft whisper. 

Dog mommas, I understand. Your hearts are tired. All you want is a quiet bath. But toys, how they squeak. And with every squeak, you lose a little more of yourself. Is it a lizard? Is it a neon iguana? I don't know. But all I know is that I want it- and it's giant squeaker box- dead.

I can't eat a meal without four eyes staring up at me wanting some of my sandwich. What was it like to eat a sandwich without an audience? I don't know. And neither do you, precious dog momma. 

Why am I talking to you like you're a gentle lamb who has no other name than dog momma? I don't know, dog momma. It's just what I do. 

There will come a day when you long for the squeak of a lizard iguana hybrid animal. But that squeak will no longer be there. So enjoy the squeaks, precious dog momma. 

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To conclude, back to my vlog. Are you ready for a funny comparison of how being a dog mom is just like your clubbing days? Do you want to hear a pep talk about how it's OK if your dog's collar isn't designer? Well, look no more: join me in my... CAR. I will be videoing myself from the comfort of my luxury SUV (did I mention how hard my life is? And how I never have any time to myself?)

Farewell, dog mommas. And always remember: it's OK not to be perfect. And then tell everyone about it. 

Peace. Now give me 4.6K likes. Thanks.