Hotel Hermit

I'm fairly certain that the hotel maids think I'm like a La Quinta Inn Boo Radley. With the dogs here, I just put out a "Do Not Disturb" sign and just emerge when I need new towels or 4-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/body wash/lotion. On that note, you can NOT combine that many things and them all fulfill their faithful duties. LIES. Either that, or there is a mass conspiracy by beauty companies to lie to the American people and force unsuspecting women to own 4,798 separate products.

I had big plans to see the sights and sounds of this new city, but I think my body was like, "For this first week, enjoy living somewhere you don't have to clean. Oh and binge watch Big Little Lies." In my defense, it only had seven episodes. And it's based on a book so my BRAIN WAS GROWING.

I have a dorm-sized fridge and my snacks lying on top of it remind me of my freshman glory days. God and I struck a deal and this week, I have my 19-year-old metabolism back to celebrate my extra $60/week mini fridge. Holllla. I even got on to Justin for eating MY CHIPS. You have to fight for what is yours, just like on campus.

The events of this summer have zoomed by and I think it was nice to be a shut-in for a bit. At one point this summer, I was turning 31, directing part of VBS, had a nephew born, had a best friend have a baby, all while hoarding the secret that we might have to move. It was slightly maddening. But I survived by the grace of God and generic $4 Celexa.

The first night with the dogs was ROUGH, but they have slowly gotten used to being hotel hermits too. Now the lawn mower zips by our window and they sigh like it's old hat. We took them to the dog park yesterday, imagining them frolicking through the meadow but were met with dogs who licked weeds and meandered slowly and watched a graceful hunting dog sprint for Frisbees. Minnie barked at him and his owner said, "Man, she's scary!" While a joke, I had my first ping of pet parent defensiveness- like a mom at a play date.

The ping of "I CAN MAKE FUN OF MY DOG BUT YOU CAN'T. YOU DON'T KNOW HER HEART. Also, her #2s are small. So take that!"

Luckily, it quickly faded.

Justin, as expected, is off to the races and is already very busy. But he is energized and hopeful about what he can add to their company and is thankful that their enthusiasm and culture is allowing him to do that. I met several of the employees at a minor league baseball game the other night and I was very impressed with their personalities and takes on life. Conversations came pretty natural and I avoided (I think) being the awkward turtle that I am.

SMALL TALK IS MY NIGHTMARE.

Especially the "What do you do?" question. Somehow God's face shone upon me and no one asked me that. But I instantly panic and usually say something like, "I don't work but I do stuff with church and I like to write. I had a job once but was laid off and my short break turned into a long break and we do OK with just his salary so I watch my dogs. That's what I do. What do you do?"

"I'm a neurosurgeon and I have 4 small children. Balance is hard."

OK BYE. I'M GETTING A HOT DOG.

Thanks for reading my random rambling. I never want this blog to turn into a perpetual sad devotional so I like to throw in the occasional lighter fare. So here it is.

Thanks again for all your love and support. Now I need to get something to drink out of the mini fridge...

Free.

We drove down to Franklin, TN yesterday since Justin started his new job today. I told myself that- on the weeks I joined him- I would use that extra time to get more writing in or even explore places online that need freelance writers. 

While my dogs aren't spazzing at every creak the hotel makes, I thought I would try to spit something out. Their frequent wake-up calls last night and this morning haven't left me as clear-headed and inspired as I had hoped, but I have the ability to make an excuse every day if I let myself. 

I just finished the book, "You are Free," by Rebekah Lyons. She touches on all the areas of her life that were once crippled by anxiety and depression and discusses her journey to freedom. I read it from the perspective of the still crippled and was intrigued by the idea of freedom. 

The past several weeks have been a blur. Justin received a couple job opportunities that would have launched us into drastically different areas. When asked if I had peace about any of the possible paths, I responded with a very honest: "I don't know what peace even feels like." It's true though. I have often been envious of people who felt God's nudging or calling to do something or go somewhere. I feel like I'm such a ball of tension that gentle whispers and nudges don't often get through. 

This followed me into my church life too. I didn't have a clear direction for what I should be doing so I piled a random assortment of ministries and duties on my plate. I figured one of them would give me purpose. I juggled them all for years, many times doing them out of obligation, until I had a breaking point this spring. Justin and my friends encouraged me to just walk away and find where I actually belong.

So that's where I am now. On the journey to being set free. 

I have always battled with the miraculous or inwardly scoffed at something being a "God thing." I guess because it's become so distorted in our society. Vulnerability and humility are also not friends of anxiety so anything in our spiritual lives that seems like God reaching out to us is often met with cynicism. 

A couple weeks ago, in the middle of the night, I woke up. Those of you who know me realize that I am not alert or coherent until about 11 a.m. after some coffee. But this time I was. I felt like I should go into the bathroom and say a prayer. I'm not one to pray aloud or even feel prompted to pray. But these simple words came out:

"God, please heal me. If I'm not healed of my physical problems, please heal my heart so I can move forward and be strong." 

That was early Sunday morning. When I got to church that day, at the end of service, the pastor ending service decided to pray for anyone who needed healing, physical or spiritual. It's not something that we've ever done that I remember. For the first time in a long time, that seemed like a nudge. I had somehow unwound enough to feel a tug- to hear an "I heard you." 

>>>>>>>

The night before Justin had to give an answer to one of his offers, he got a call out of the blue from this company. Many on the management team were Christians and serve in different roles within their own churches. They had searched "engineer" and "church," and came across Justin's name. Knowing he had other opportunities available, they sped up their process and made him an offer in two days. 

The burden I had been carrying seemed lifted and I was finally able to tell him that I think what I was finally feeling was peace. 

Things are speeding up. Things are changing. Things are scary. But I'm trying to find the freedom to be vulnerable. The freedom to actually believe healing can happen if God and I team up on it. 

And most of all, the freedom to finally find my place and my purpose. To be continued :)