Free.

We drove down to Franklin, TN yesterday since Justin started his new job today. I told myself that- on the weeks I joined him- I would use that extra time to get more writing in or even explore places online that need freelance writers. 

While my dogs aren't spazzing at every creak the hotel makes, I thought I would try to spit something out. Their frequent wake-up calls last night and this morning haven't left me as clear-headed and inspired as I had hoped, but I have the ability to make an excuse every day if I let myself. 

I just finished the book, "You are Free," by Rebekah Lyons. She touches on all the areas of her life that were once crippled by anxiety and depression and discusses her journey to freedom. I read it from the perspective of the still crippled and was intrigued by the idea of freedom. 

The past several weeks have been a blur. Justin received a couple job opportunities that would have launched us into drastically different areas. When asked if I had peace about any of the possible paths, I responded with a very honest: "I don't know what peace even feels like." It's true though. I have often been envious of people who felt God's nudging or calling to do something or go somewhere. I feel like I'm such a ball of tension that gentle whispers and nudges don't often get through. 

This followed me into my church life too. I didn't have a clear direction for what I should be doing so I piled a random assortment of ministries and duties on my plate. I figured one of them would give me purpose. I juggled them all for years, many times doing them out of obligation, until I had a breaking point this spring. Justin and my friends encouraged me to just walk away and find where I actually belong.

So that's where I am now. On the journey to being set free. 

I have always battled with the miraculous or inwardly scoffed at something being a "God thing." I guess because it's become so distorted in our society. Vulnerability and humility are also not friends of anxiety so anything in our spiritual lives that seems like God reaching out to us is often met with cynicism. 

A couple weeks ago, in the middle of the night, I woke up. Those of you who know me realize that I am not alert or coherent until about 11 a.m. after some coffee. But this time I was. I felt like I should go into the bathroom and say a prayer. I'm not one to pray aloud or even feel prompted to pray. But these simple words came out:

"God, please heal me. If I'm not healed of my physical problems, please heal my heart so I can move forward and be strong." 

That was early Sunday morning. When I got to church that day, at the end of service, the pastor ending service decided to pray for anyone who needed healing, physical or spiritual. It's not something that we've ever done that I remember. For the first time in a long time, that seemed like a nudge. I had somehow unwound enough to feel a tug- to hear an "I heard you." 

>>>>>>>

The night before Justin had to give an answer to one of his offers, he got a call out of the blue from this company. Many on the management team were Christians and serve in different roles within their own churches. They had searched "engineer" and "church," and came across Justin's name. Knowing he had other opportunities available, they sped up their process and made him an offer in two days. 

The burden I had been carrying seemed lifted and I was finally able to tell him that I think what I was finally feeling was peace. 

Things are speeding up. Things are changing. Things are scary. But I'm trying to find the freedom to be vulnerable. The freedom to actually believe healing can happen if God and I team up on it. 

And most of all, the freedom to finally find my place and my purpose. To be continued :)