7 New Years Resolutions for Other People

Making resolutions for yourself is so last year. Thinking of resolutions for other people is much easier and significantly cheaper than that gym membership you were about to sign up for. So let them eat cake.

• From Fiona: "I resolve to only chew on my toys. After all, you spent your hard-earned money getting them for me. I have also decided to poop immediately in the yard and not take you on a treacherous outdoor adventure before I pop a squat." 

• From Facebook Friends: "I resolve to stop believing everything I read and continuing the madness by passing it along. Facebook does not want to steal my identity and sell it to my enemies and if they did, they would surely give it back after reading all of my posts."

• From IT Departments everywhere: "I resolve to understand that not every problem is fixed by re-starting your computer. Even though it usually is."

• From movie producers: "I resolve to create a heart-warming, Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan-esque romantic comedy with good dialogue. I realize that some women actually prefer funny anecdotes to a finely chiseled chest."

• From Pinterest: "I resolve to stop saying things are quick and easy when they really aren't, thus making you feel lazy and incompetent because you don't have 48 hours to follow 27 steps to completion." 

• From the person who always seems to be behind me at the red light post-work: "I resolve to stop honking immediately when the light turns to green. I admittedly realize that moving your foot over to the gas pedal accounts for an average 1.5 seconds of stall time. I apologize." 

• From the creators of FarmVille, Bubble Safari and other Facebook games: "I resolve to give a percentage of the trillion-dollar profits I have made off of this stupid thing to all of the people I inconvenience with invites. And I promise that frequent offenders will be sentenced to three years on an actual farm."

Tilt

You've heard the phrase, "It ain't over until the fat lady sings."

For me, it is often-- "It ain't over until the big-boned girl with a fondness for desserts writes."

Known for my dramatic streak and the one-act plays I could perform at a moment's notice when I found my parents unfair, one would assume that my reaction to grief would be quite Shakespearean.

What I have discovered, however, is that I have turned rather stoic. I have kind of floated around the past week or so, smiling slightly, listening to encouraging words. Uttering the traditional, "He's in a better place" and "It was time" in the same breath that I long to shout "I want him here" and "He deserved more time."

Writing is the way I cope. Hitting the "Publish Post" button lifts a burden from my shoulders and allows me to begin the moving on process. I could approach this post in many ways; and I think that is why I have begun it so many times and then closed my computer in defeat.

But then I remembered my grandma telling me about what happened shortly before I arrived in Texas. Several of my family members were standing in my grandparents' room, taking in the rearrangement. She made her way to a nearby picture frame and began straightening its tilt while she commented, "I just don't know what I'm going to do."

My newest uncle by marriage, with his timed wit and soft smile, responded, "There are plenty of pictures in this house to straighten."

She said she began to laugh; and soon, others in the room joined in therapeutic chorus.

When someone as upstanding and respected as my grandpa passes away, it often leaves those remaining with the seemingly impossible task of living up to their greatness.

It is easy to be intimidated by their stories of heroism and unfaltering compassion; it is easy to question whether you-- with your short temper and intolerance-- resemble them in the least; it is easy to only hope that your memorial service will be as crowded and story-filled as theirs.

But in the noise that was left in their wake, you hear: There are always pictures to be straightened.

There are always co-workers that need an encouraging e-mail. There are always people who need a casserole. There are always spouses that need an extra dose of unmerited grace.

So don't become overwhelmed by the large portrait that grief paints; be concerned with the small photos in your life that could use an extra eye to make them level.

For, at the end of your life, it is the collage of pictures that is presented as the testament to who you were.

Freak Out

It's been quite a while since my last finals week. It is almost to the point where I don't even remember what that freak out even feels like. I can remember the dental bill freak out. I can remember the "Am I going to be unemployed forever?" freak out quite well.

It's all reasonable at the time. The world revolves around your 2:35 a.m. cram fest and your life will be forever affected by your essay on the Industrial Revolution.

Or not.

While you're at it, don't freak out about these things either:

1. Sororities/Social Clubs. You spend half of your young life wanting to be chosen. You spend the rest of your life wanting to avoid being chosen. You go from the person who would eat mud to get a few laughs to the poorly-made, non-fluffy teddy bear shoved against the glass in a claw machine, silently praying, "Please don't notice me. I just want to get my eggs and milk and shoot out of this awful place."

2. Mission Mania. I'm just going to say it. Not everyone is in Africa, going to Africa or making bracelets for Africa. I spent years in paralyzed disappointment that I wasn't wearing Chacos and traveling the planet. I am grateful that those people are serving. But your workplace needs some of that salt of the earth stuff too.

3. Sports. One visit to a pee-wee basketball game will let you know just how seriously people take their sports. The kid hasn't even lost all of his baby teeth and grown women are threatening to knock them out for him. Here's some hope: the Greene County Tech Rail Rumblers' "Air Ball!" chant is now only a soft whisper in my ears. And the only regret I have is that I now understand why a "suicide drill" obtained its name. Huff. Huff.

4. Dating dumb. Don't panic about just any 'ol person. You will find that having an actual conversation with a member of the opposite sex is kind of fun. If someone texts you at 1 a.m. with "Sup," they are not going to pass the coffee shop test. A conversation over a latte can be very revealing. So put down your flying thumbs and see if they know who the 1st President of the United States is.

5. Post-College plans. Oh, so you're going to New York to write, are you? Wait. You don't like to be away from your family? Wait. You don't want to pay a gazillion dollars for a tiny apartment. Wait. You are afraid of getting mugged. A hundred bucks says that's probably not going to happen, Ash. Don't freak out if your plans are tweaked-- because they most likely will take a scenic detour.

6. Spiritual Issues. Four words for ya. Life isn't church camp. Just because you aren't weeping with your summer friends around a campfire singing "Kumbaya" doesn't mean God isn't near. Worries get bigger than a water balloon war and sometimes our spirits don't quite bounce back like they used to. But they will.

7. Body Issues. I'm going to count to 3 and we're all going to say together, "I am not 16 anymore." There. Doesn't that feel better? Our minds and souls have been through a lot since our teenage days-- and we're cool with that. That's how we grow up, get smart and live productive lives. But so have our bods. Our metabolism takes off in the convertible with our moody, irrational younger self. You listen to your kids crunch on cereal instead of doing crunches yourself. You pick up crap off the floor, but suddenly your legs don't compute this motion as a lunge anymore. Keep your head up. It's going to be OK.

 I'd tell that guy to chill out, relax and wait until 1998 when everything will be cool because There's Something About Mary will make you a big star. Before that, I was pretty hard on myself going, 'I'm not in the Brat Pack. What's wrong with me?' Now I'm so happy I wasn't.  - Ben Stiller

Resolution

Well, the Christmas season is upon us-- ready or not. Before we've even digested Turkey Round 1, Old Navy is turning up Mariah Carey's greatest Christmas hits. Middle-aged women wrestle over half-priced Wii games while simultaneously fighting the "War on Christmas." You better not say holiday trees. And while you're at it, fork over that last remaining flat screen before I claw your eyes out. Merry Christmas everyone.

This particular season is a time of reflection and resolution for a lot of people. Admittedly, I am not a big resolution person.

Not in a snobby "I pledge to be a marvelous, disciplined individual all 365 days of the year" kind of way.

But more so in a "I'm not going to lose 20 pounds- who am I kidding? And giving up caffeine will just make me a psychotic employee" kind of way.

So, instead, I choose to think back on the things that I actually resolved without having a resolution. I suggest this as an alternative to those who get discouraged every year around this time. You may have forgotten what your trainer's face looks like, but hey, you didn't get any speeding tickets in 2012. 


Here's my stats:

• I got married. This has been on my imaginary resolution list since I could verbally enunciate "I do." There was a stretch there when I thought about becoming a nun. But lucky for me, I had the fate of my favorite nun: The Sound of Music's Maria-- luckily without all those singing pre-teens.

• I watched an animal pee on my Bed, Bath and Beyond rug numerous times. And still got attached. Justin and I will be at lunch and the first 15 minutes of our conversation is about Fiona. "Do you think the food we are giving her is too harsh for her digestive system?" "You missed her first bark. It was at the vacuum cleaner. Yes, I vacuumed." 

• The girl who refused to help her roommates make a snowman actually decorated for Christmas this year. I only did the side of the tree that most people can see, but that's a start right? Oh, and I bought a stocking for the dog. You can take that coal right on back to the sleigh, Santa.

• I ordered my Christmas presents online-- before Christmas.

• I paid my first dental bill. And didn't pass out. If my individual teeth are worth what they say they are, I could sell those suckers on eBay and get a Toyota Highlander.

• I started baking. From scratch. Like flour all over your clothes scratch. It's actually pretty therapeutic. Dealing with a difficult person a few weeks ago resulted in 2 dozen cookies and homemade icing. And no, she didn't get any of it.

• I started having an opinion. It snuck up on me I have to admit. One minute it was rainbows and gumdrops-- the next minute I wanted to jump through Facebook and grammatically slam people to the ground. Must...go...bake.

• I became more hospitable. It may be surprising to some of you, but I get anxious in some social environments. When the preacher man starts the preemptive speech before the "Greet your neighbor" thing, I inwardly panic. I usually just say "I like your shirt" and then wait for the music to start. All this to say, we have had people into our home which has pushed me out of my comfort zone-- and ended up being really fun.

• I got a TV in my room for the first time. This may seem juvenile, but I wasn't allowed to have a TV in my room growing up. Too much potential for not coming back out. So here I am-- 26-- eating Cocoa Krispies in my bed watching "The Voice."

I had some pretty monumental moments this past year. But, for me, it's all about the little battles along the way-- battles that we often ignore and replace with disappointment in the ideologies that we failed to accomplish.

So the next time you beat yourself up over the fact that you skipped one Pilates workout, remember the time you put back that $45 blouse you didn't need to spend the dough on. Victory is in the eye of the beholder.

"Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle." - Eric Zorn

"Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution." -Jay Leno