Making resolutions for yourself is so last year. Thinking of resolutions for other people is much easier and significantly cheaper than that gym membership you were about to sign up for. So let them eat cake.
- From Fiona: "I resolve to only chew on my toys. After all, you spent your hard-earned money getting them for me. I have also decided to poop immediately in the yard and not take you on a treacherous outdoor adventure before I pop a squat."
- From Facebook Friends: "I resolve to stop believing everything I read and continuing the madness by passing it along. Facebook does not want to steal my identity and sell it to my enemies and if they did, they would surely give it back after reading all of my posts."
- From IT Departments everywhere: "I resolve to understand that not every problem is fixed by re-starting your computer. Even though it usually is."
- From movie producers: "I resolve to create a heart-warming, Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan-esque romantic comedy with good dialogue. I realize that some women actually prefer funny anecdotes to a finely chiseled chest."
- From Pinterest: "I resolve to stop saying things are quick and easy when they really aren't, thus making you feel lazy and incompetent because you don't have 48 hours to follow 27 steps to completion."
- From the person who always seems to be behind me at the red light post-work: "I resolve to stop honking immediately when the light turns to green. I admittedly realize that moving your foot over to the gas pedal accounts for an average 1.5 seconds of stall time. I apologize."
- From the creators of FarmVille, Bubble Safari and other Facebook games: "I resolve to give a percentage of the trillion-dollar profits I have made off of this stupid thing to all of the people I inconvenience with invites. And I promise that frequent offenders will be sentenced to three years on an actual farm."
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