Regardless, Justin took my vehicle today because his Ford Ranger would react to an ice cube tray like it was a frozen lake. We keep trying to remind it that it's a truck, but it doesn't seem to get the memo.
Let's be honest, I don't do cold. I would be doing the exact same thing if I had a car- but something about not having one makes me feel trapped. So I've had five days of personal reflection. I didn't reflect on things that matter, like how I can change the world or develop obliques that show. Instead, I realized some of the weird things I do when left to my own devices during long stretches of days. If you do any of these things, feel free to tell me and make me feel better about myself. If you don't see how anyone could do these things without being neurotic, please don't tell me that.
- I own cute pajamas, but wear really weird clothing combinations instead. I passed a mirror at some point this morning and realized I was wearing: striped orange shorts, a blue nightgown, and a forest green Beale Street sweatshirt. You know that lounging seductress in Victoria's Secret catalogues that is drinking coffee with half of her long t-shirt hanging off her shoulder? Have that mental image? Yeah, that wasn't me. Because I wear shorts, I have to wrap myself in a blanket to stay warm. WHY DO I DO THIS? It's like I feel like if I wear a matching set of pajamas, my dogs will think I'm a Kardashian or something.
- I have a sub-par makeup bag. I like to keep things "spicy" in our marriage so I try to occasionally have on makeup when Justin gets home. I also wear body spray and deodorant if I'm feeling particularly alluring. But because he has no regard for beauty products, I just can't bring myself to doll up with my $38 foundation or Urban Decay eyeshadow unless I'm going somewhere. So I pull out $5 foundation that I've had since college and dab on some ice pink lipgloss that wound up in my stocking a few Christmases ago. I look like an 80s pop singer, but I'm his 80s pop singer. I smell like Juniper Breeze and he gets lasagna.
- I fast forward workout DVDs. I have been known to do the warm-up, fast forward through most of the exercises, and finish with the cool down. When people ask if you completed a workout, you can say yes without being a liar, liar, pants on fire. But your pants may, however, stay the same size and never get smaller.
- I pretend I'm on cooking shows. I don't like to cook when other people are around, partially because of insecurity. Partially because the kitchen looks like 3 competitors were running around, slinging pasta sauce and dropping food. My dogs wait beside my feet like I'm a toddler about to drop them some yogurt puffs. That's why, when Justin calls, I sprint to the finish like a contestant on "Chopped." I clean up my surroundings, I clean up the plate, and I put it on the table and await his judgment. Luckily, he's not pretentious like judge Scott Conant (who once told a contestant that he was "disrespectful" to his fish). If it's not poisonous or meaty, my vegetarian man will eat it up and go for seconds.
- I squeeze my dogs as hard as I can, on the hour, every hour. This needs no further explanation.
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