1938

So I found some “Tips for Single Women” from a 1938 article. Good thing the good Lord saw it fit to save my grand entrance into the world for later. Otherwise, I probably would have spent the roaring 20s and 30s sitting in a rocking chair in the attic collecting the bones of all of my animals while my sophisticated lady friends dated their way up in society. Let’s take a stab at some of them.

1. “Don’t use the car mirror to fix your make-up. Man needs it in driving, and it annoys him very much to have to turn around to see what’s behind him.” You want to talk annoying? Let’s talk annoying. I have to hurriedly plop globs of goop on my face (say that ten times fast) because society has almost made it an expectation. Sure, men have that awful chore of rotating their neck a fourth of an inch—but at least they don’t get asked if they’re sick a million times if they forego the eyeliner for a day. And have you TRIED to put on makeup in a car lately? It’s a wonder I haven’t had to have a mascara wand surgically removed from my eyeball.

2. “Don’t be familiar with the headwaiter talking about the fun you had with someone else another time. Men deserve, desire your entire attention.” Dang. I’m going to have to cool it in Olive Garden. Justin understands. More distracting small talk = more grated cheese on your salad. What Justin desires is more breadsticks, not attention. So schmooze your way to more carbs.

3. “If you need a brassiere, wear one. Don’t tug at your girdle and be careful your stockings are not wrinkled.” Ok, 1938, do you have some type of “brassiere test” we have to pass in order to justify needing one? Let’s go with 2013 here and flat out say: WEAR ONE. I don’t care who you are. I would rather you tug at your Spanx and not iron your pantyhose than have you cause me to gouge my own eyes out anytime it’s cold outside or unforeseen circumstances warrant you having to run.

4. “Don’t be sentimental or try to get him to say something he doesn’t want to by working on his emotions. Men don’t like tears, especially in public places.” You know. Because we women just live in excited anticipation for our next meltdown. We plan them actually. Personally, I keep tally of how many times I can cry in front of a crowd in a week’s time. We love being overtaken by a hormonal surge that makes us want to kill the ones we love the most.


5. “Don’t talk about clothes or try to describe your new gown to a man. Please and flatter your date by talking about the things he wants to talk about.” Cotton. Target Pajama Section. $10.99. That’s the end of my gown descriptions. (Not many fancy parties in my circle). And may I say you are looking dashing, fine sir, in your boxers with an unraveling waistband. How’s that for elegant evening flattery?

6. “Don’t sit in awkward positions—and never look bored, even if you are. Be alert, and if you must chew gum (not advised), do it silently, mouth closed.” I spend 8+ hours a day at work avoiding sitting in awkward positions. My reward for somehow maintaining an upright stature for 8 hours? Being as stinkin’ awkward as I want when I get home. I will lay my legs across your face if they want to be there. I will contort my body like a circus act to reach the remote before I will retrieve it like a normal person.

So when one of those “It’s tough to be a woman” days hits, just be thankful that we’ve reached a time when females can be transparent; they can be a little crazy and that’s OK; they can quit walking on eggshells; and an article making them feel better about themselves as wives, mothers, and women is just a Google search away rather than a newspaper article slap to the face. So, in honor of those who came before us, go sit awkwardly somewhere and smack your gum as loud as you can.