Robots

We've all heard the foretelling. We've all wondered when robots will take over our jobs and make us obsolete. Ok, so maybe it's not something that is at the forefront of our minds-- but we've all heard of the possibility. 

After working with numerous office machines the past few years, all I can say is, "Good luck future generations!"

Because if you are working in the cubicle next to a robot who is anything like my scanner, you will want to Ctrl+alt+delete him until he melts into a pile of parts.

Here is what I think that future would look like if our new replacements anyway derived from our office machine counterparts.

• You hand the necessary paperwork to the robot to your right. In true scanner style, she will crumple up the reports as she simultaneously grabs more from your hand. Because stopping is for sissies. Just try to get your important data back fast enough. Crush.
• "I'm going to need a few copies of this," you instruct Robot #2. "I know I told you I can do two-sided pages, sort and staple all of these-- but I was just punking you," he says while he immediately spews paper into every robotic body part. "Guess you're going to have to open every tray and find the paper," he taunts.
• You're in the middle of giving very important instructions to Mrs. Microsoft when she decides to just shut down and take a nap. Oh, and she didn't save or remember anything that you said.
• The hot robot in the corner, Ms. Faxy Lady, screeches all day to let you know information is transmitting through her brain. Most of the time, she says, "Transmission Not OK," while other random occurrences inspire her to repeat the same message 10 times. 
• You have to be careful around Bon Qui Qui Robot. She will cut.you. Or at least staple you to death. Like her electric stapler sister, she will attack your worksheet until it looks like it has been the victim of staple crossfire.
• You can't really count on the robot across the hall. Sometimes you will be in the middle of company protocol when he will just freeze. Restarting him will usually do the trick, but he will wake up and tell you that you didn't shut him down right.

So as you can see, I fear the world where technology rules. Yeah, we've all worked with our share of interesting individuals, but at least they can usually express what they need without spitting paper wads of expressionless anger.

I once verbally assaulted a copy machine in the (accidental) presence of another human being. Today, I sat there as my scanner spit paper at me faster than I could grab it while crunching part of it at the same time. Way to multi-task there, Betsy. 

You kiddos enjoy your Ipod 5s and 3-D televisions. Looks like I can't retire until I'm 80. So please don't let any of these one day be my boss.