While You Were Working...

When I was stuck at the office every day from 8-5, I would occasionally stare out the window and ponder what life was like in the outside world. These mysterious human creatures that were clogging up traffic at two in the afternoon were an oddity that I wanted to explore.

It had to be magical. It just had to be. The world was their oyster while I was clammed up in a four-story asylum. 

So fast forward to today. I am one of them. This is what my research has shown me.

1. They love to stand in pharmacy lines. You go to Wal-Mart at 3 p.m. and find yourself googling, "Is swine flu back in town?" They wind through the roped maze like they're awaiting Space Mountain, rattling off medications like a rapper in a studio. (Vicodin, Lortab, Hydros too-- fill up my bag or I'll yell at you). If you get too close, your apt to hear someone announce that their sister's "got the diabetes." See Exhibit 1.

Exhibit 1

2. Hobby Lobby is the New Country Club. Being the exciting person I am, I went to the craft store to nab some deliciously real-looking fake fruit for the bowl in my kitchen. I'm walking around the place with a bag of plastic green apples, and I see this parade of beautiful moms. Their children (see exhibit 2) follow closely behind--not touching a single glass vase. I'm in awe. They are decorating for their summer home no doubt.

Exhibit 2

3. They like to file lawsuits. You can't make it through one daytime television show without some commercial on television encouraging you to sue the pants off somebody. I would hope, dear sir, that if a doctor had left MESH in my body and I knew about it that it wouldn't take an ad during "The View" to cause me to spring to action. By the end of "The Price is Right," I've already succumbed to believing I've at one point taken all of those medications. What's that number again? 

4. They like to watch instant streaming. Ok, maybe this is just me. Every day-- for a few hours-- I pretend I'm an attorney. I get so sucked in that I feel like we're all friends. (See Exhibit 3).

Exhibit 3

5. They like to talk more out in public. Post five o'clock shoppers got places to BE, yo. I remember marching into Kroger, my demeanor speaking volumes: Don't talk to me. I just need toilet paper. There's something about mid-day shopping that says, "I have all the time in the world. Please tell me everything." I was making my way to the front with an ironing board (Justin's new job encourages not looking like an upright dorm room floor) and this old man approaches me. "About time you got to work." I figured ironing board manslaughter might come with some hard time so I smiled and went on my merry way.

Most importantly, we:

6. Like to bug you. Hide yo bank, hide yo office, hide yo clinics and pharmacies, hide yo restaurants.

We're coming for you.