You’ve probably seen this viral article hanging around on your newsfeed: “Marriage Isn’t For You.”
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/seth-adam-smith/marriage-isnt-for-you_b_4209837.html
While I agree with the author’s premise—the notion that marriage reveals a level of selfishness beyond what you could have imagined—part of his advice to young couples didn’t completely settle with me.
Pre-marriage, I spent many years in relationships that centered on the other person’s happiness. I gave without receiving; I practiced thoughtfulness without thanks; I felt paralyzed in mediocre partnerships that were going nowhere fast.
God luckily drew me out of those relationships and led me to marriage. It was then that I regretfully became the spitting image of what I so despised; I unconsciously adopted this attitude: “It’s finally my turn. Make me happy.”
The more he slaved to make me happy, the less content I became. The more I thought I was rocking at the wife thing, the less I absorbed what actually brought him joy.
Had you asked me in our first year of marriage what brought him happiness, I probably would have rattled on about Cardinals games and music equipment.
Because that’s about as far as I got in Superficial Happy Lollipop Land.
If you spend all of your time privately meditating on your spouse’s happiness, you will often miss out on the real thing.
Like the way he smiles when you lean over on Sunday and compliment the worship team he leads; the way he loves to tell you about work even though he knows it is mountain tops above your head; the way he rolls his eyes after you’ve just solved another home improvement disaster without killing each other.
To me, marital happiness is a grueling game of chess, not the end result of two games of Solitaire going on simultaneously.
It is a happiness that comes softly; it often sneaks in while you’re paying bills, burning DiGiorno pizza and wondering if all the Febreeze in the world will make your house smell normal again.
It is something that I received in abundance when I finally stopped focusing on my happiness and his happiness and collectively considered our happiness.
The truth is: Marriage isn’t for you. It isn’t for me either. It’s God’s gift to us. And when you both ensure that your marriage is enjoyable, I promise that individual happiness will follow suit.
It is different for each couple depending largely on each personality, sure one needs to work on it to make it work. It is a school so you learn along the way and when you have learnt something that doesn't work stay away from repeating it. Both partners should learn to be giving of themselves and happiness is a byproduct. It is a journey not a destination in any relationship.
ReplyDeleteThank you Ashton for this post. We often talk about "compromising", but how can you compromise in a situation where "2 become 1?" It's not about spouse vs. spouse, or man vs. woman, but marriage vs. the world, culture, and satan. Thank you for speaking truth, and sharing the wisdom gained from your experiences.
ReplyDeleteI admire this, friend. But let's be real, no one can blame you for being in Superficial Happy Lollipop Land...After all, it's got the phrase 'happy lollipop land' in the name.
ReplyDeleteI fully agree with you no 2 marriages are the same, when I read these article I glean what I believe is right and leave out is not applicable to. Hopefully those I forward to will do the same. My take is God is very clear on the framework of marriage and we still fall short of His counsel.
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