Team Prince William

Just read a brief news article (Yes, I tend to click on the "Entertainment" tab more often than the world news tab) about Justin Bieber knocking on Prince William for his balding ways. First of all, Biebs, you weren't the one who had J-14 magazines with his posters in them. If anyone should be grieving, it should be my friends and I, who watched each hair fall out and saw him marry the perfect, stylish Kate while we battled our new bulge and minimum wage.

When pressed further, he replied, "I don't know why he doesn't just get those things, those products. You just take Propecia and your hair grows back. Have you not got it over here [Britain]?"

Maybe, just maybe, he has tried stuff. Or maybe he has just come to grips with the fact that he is getting older. Miracle products look so appealing to the young people who don't have to use them; then you're older, wrapping the vibrating ab concoction around your waist while sitting in a sweatsuit on your couch-- praying for a miracle that's just not going to happen. You watch infomercials at 2 a.m. and think, "I need that." 

The reason I can pick on Bieber is because I was once like that as well. I could make comments like that with no regard for what not being 16 was like. I figure his girlfriend, Ms. Gomez, would wonder why my gray hairs still manage to make their appearance. I have used several bottles of Nice 'N Easy, but those shining streaks of silver goodness still manage to escape the molasses coating that surrounds my entire scalp. That's why, Selena. 

And you're probably wondering why we can't just "get fit" like you guys. Because one day you will wake up and your abs will be gone. And a permanent pooch will be in its place. You will participate in the initial pinch, convincing yourself it is a harmless tumor. You will try to eat salad. And switch to diet sodas, but this only seems to feed the growth you have now acquired. Look forward to that, Bieber, and "never say never." 

You probably presently flex in the mirror. There will come a day when you will wave at yourself in the mirror and time how long it takes the underarm skin to settle. Your lovely girlfriend will perform a similar test on her thighs. And then she'll buy some shower-to-shower powder and refuse to leave in a skirt when it's above 60 degrees.  

And you think the ladies go crazy for your hair now? Wait until nose hairs start skydiving out of your nostrils and your girlfriend finds her first chin hair. Not a fuzzy. A full-blown chin hair. Then get back to me about William's problems. 

I know you dance and hop around stage all day long (good for you) but there will come a day when you can pull a muscle doing mundane things. Picking up a pencil. Getting in your car. Reaching to get ice from the freezer. It can now cause serious injury. 

So even though it's 2012 and you're kind of a big deal now, I am still and will forever be Team William, Rogaine or no Rogaine.