Shut it Down.

Judging by the whole government shutdown thing, I’m guessing there’s not much we can all agree on right now. While making light of a serious situation isn’t always popular, it’s kind of what I do.

So here are a few things many of us can harmoniously see eye to eye about. Several things I wish would have shut down in lieu of national parks and important programs:

· Letters to Miley Cyrus. I am still seeing these pop up on online news sites and opinion columns. It’s time to get a wrecking ball (sans nudist colony pop star) and demolish these once and for all. And don’t even start singing “We Can’t Stop.” Because you can.

· Middle-aged women up in arms about who’s playing Christian Grey. I’m sorry, lady. But you wear crocs. And often times a blue sweat suit with two varying shades of blue. I can’t believe Hollywood was so off the mark from your personal fantasy world.

· Hashtags as long as the alphabet. I hate all hashtags equally. Believe me. But I ask that you enable this little test: If the removal of a pound sign makes it an unbearable run-on sentence, ditch the hashtag and make it a caption instead. #sohappythatmyfamilyisinfromtexas #hadareallybaddayhopetomorrowisbetter

· The Google Maps Selfie. This is the evolution of the Facebook “check in.” Now people not only want us to know where they are, they want us to know what they look like where they are. “Just worked out”—sweaty face selfie. “In the car”—selfie where you can see my backseat. “Eating sushi”—throwing down the deuce symbol with my chopsticks, baby. Just stop.

· Michelle Duggar. Working on kid numero 20. I don’t think I have to explain why a shutdown needs to happen here.

· Obama Impeachment Petitions. If I told you social media was nowhere in the Constitution, would it make the madness stop? What if I let you keep one gun?

· The Walking Dead App. If I’m not a fan of selfies, I surely don’t want to see your face all rotted and covered in maggots. Spare me. Shut it down.

· Taylor Swift’s terrible analogies. “Corey’s eyes are like a jungle, he smiles, it’s like the radio.” This girl has sold millions of albums based on her unlucky love life. Perhaps if we didn’t tell people they smirked like an inanimate object, our success rate would skyrocket.

So Congress, bring back the national parks, bring back the zoos, bring back offices full of pleasant, happy-to-serve-you government employees—and get to work on shutting down things people won’t actually miss.