New Path

I assure you that I am in a much better place than the last time I blogged. A stomach virus has a way of transforming you into your most vulnerable self; you feel like you’ve been strapped onto a fair ride for three days straight and everything that’s going wrong in your life flashes before your eyes while you smile and try not to throw up on the person sitting next to you.

I’ve had some time post-bathroom breakdown to ask myself some questions. The uncertainty that is life often makes those rhetorical questions—left to float through my mind with no definite answers. But questions are a step up from complacency, a stepping stone from mediocrity; they are a cry to emerge from the depths of indecision and land on a path of direction.

I haven’t established much, but this is what I have determined:

1. I want to give writing a shot—a real shot. Writing has unfortunately always been that first love I never could quite get over; I would try to convince myself that I could learn to love banking and other professions, but any spare moment I had was spent scribbling article ideas on a post-it note. I always felt like I was cheating on my spreadsheets when I slipped torn-off news headlines into my purse for later. But sometimes where you started is right where you need to be. Here’s to starting some projects.

2. I want to take the reins. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being someone’s assistant; I have served dutifully in this role for several years. There were years I served as a respected member of a team; there were years when I squeak-proofed 87 chairs; there were years when I daily mopped up an appetizing mixture of hotdogs and slush from a cafeteria floor that had been peed on. While they are a collection of experiences that have shaped who I am immeasurably, I am ready to explore a new character. In the movie, “The Holiday,” cute old man Arthur says something that has always resonated with me: “Iris, in the movies, we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are the leading lady, but for some reason, you're behaving like the best friend.” Ouch. Here’s to finally being the leading lady.

3. I want to invest more time. I have been guilty of hiding my talents under the cloak of fatigue; I have let my professional failure seep its way into the crevices of my everyday life. I wrote the Christmas play for church this year and have recently started teaching Bible class again; amidst the Kool-Aid stained faces, I saw a mirror—a mirror that revealed to me that God has never once sent me a rejection letter; but I had sure sent him a few. Here’s to saying yes to the job.

4. I want to learn new things. I want to try my hand at couponing. I want to learn to cook. I want to spend more time reading. I want to take more walks. I thought I would start with those. Let’s not get too crazy now, people.

5. I want to be selfish—the good kind. I want to go on a trip with Justin. I want to go to IHOP at midnight. I want to watch him eat Ramen out of a mixing bowl for a little longer without lecturing him about his health. I will take the children hints in stride and sleep an extra 30 minutes in spite.

All this isn’t to say that I won’t have my occasional moments of self-doubt; that I’m this gung-ho woman on a mission who won’t stop until I’m on the Best-Seller’s list.

But I do know that I will be OK; and that this is a time of quiet for me to listen and consider my next course of action. I wasn’t afforded this opportunity by choice, but I’m going to use it to its full advantage. So here’s to that.