Man, I Feel Like a Woman

Being a woman isn’t always fun. I’ll spare you the details, but yeah. Sometimes you just want to jump ship, ditch the stretch marks and burn pantyhose in a bonfire of revenge. I have to say though—for the most part—it hasn’t been all too bad (Get back to me when an 8-pound football child has landed on Earth via me.)

In honor of International Women’s Day, I have compiled a list of 10 reasons why it’s good to be a woman:

• Pretty much any excuse to have dessert is acceptable. I’d like to see a man utter, “I missed that last three-pointer. I think I need a chocolate molten cake from Chili’s ASAP.” But you best believe that sending out an e-mail typo equals a bad day at the office. Hello, Dairy Queen!

• Implying anything about OBGYN matters gives you a Fast Pass. I remember doing line drills one time in basketball practice. I said, “Coach, I need to go to the bathroom.” He acted like I could wait. After slyly throwing in that I also needed some ibuprofen, his eyes got big and he said, “Ash, go. GO!” I’d like to see a male boss’s rebuttal to your announcement that you’re getting a mammogram. They can’t HANDLE the truth (if you didn’t say that in the movie voice, you lose).

• You can let your pajamas do the talking. Oh, so she’s wearing her faded college hoodie and my flannel pants? Hello, night of playing Halo and eating bean dip out of the can.

• You can sink a free throw, get an ace, or hit a homerun without fear that your friend will forcefully hit you on the rear. This probably has to do with the fact that some of our butts wouldn’t stop shaking and quaking until the game was over. Winning hazard.

• If your cruise line sinks, you get off first. Has this rule changed since the Titanic? Maybe it’s a free for all now that we have jobs and dreams and stuff like that.

• A subtle hip sway and slight lip pucker amounts to dancing. If your party date, however, decides to follow this little rule, he looks like a bow-legged Angelina Jolie frog.

• You have at least two spies out there at all times. I mean, who else would tell you that your mean ex-boyfriend is now fat? Or that there are Great Value imitation Girl Scout cookies at Wal-Mart?

• We don’t have to stand next to someone in a public restroom to pee. God probably thought ahead on this one and knew women wouldn’t possess the “This isn’t the time to chit chat” filter that men have.

• Being bloated is considered an actual disease amongst other women. They will even choose the restaurant based on whether or not you want to put on real pants.

• You can obsessively look at pin-ups of a sugar cookie inside a chocolate chip cookie covered in brownie batter and no one tells you to seek therapy. Yeah, until culinography becomes an actual thing, I’m good.