[The mental anguish of a new gym member]
5 p.m. I can't believe I'm changing in the work bathroom right now. Did I bring socks? Just grab the handicap bar. Don't fall. Don't. Fall. French Fries.
5:05 p.m. Shoot. I left my coat at my desk. My boss is still out there. I'm wearing a racerback shirt from early college. I can't walk back to my desk like this. What if I ran into the Bank President? I'm sealed vacuum-tight in this thing. Snickers bar.
5:15 p.m. Ok, I'm here. There's like no parking spots. All these "New Years Resolution" losers. I guess I am now one of those losers.
5:20 p.m. Must.find.correct.keycard. I've got like 3 of them from gyms gone by.
5:22 p.m. Wait. No one told me a dude was leading this class. A big dude. And he's got an Affliction shirt on. Probably because he's about to afflict a lot of pain on me. I probably would have coughed up my math homework to him in high school. And now he's in charge of me for the next hour. Whopper with cheese.
5:30 p.m. March up and down. I've got this. Happy music is happening so it can't get too bad.
6:00 p.m. Mayday. Mayday. Why is he walking over this way? Why does he have a huge grin on his face? He better not touch me.
6:03 p.m. He just asked me if I moved my leg like I was supposed to. I did. He is shaking his head. I think I know if I moved my own leg or not. Geez.
6:05 p.m. We're spinning our arms rapidly into the air to a techno version of "Rolling on the River." Clever, Arnold Schwarzenegger, very clever.
6:15 p.m. Uh oh. It's getting more technical. I'm out of step with the women around me. Maybe as long as I jump at the end he won't notice that I'm skipping the first part. I think I'm jumping really high.
6:17 p.m. I am not jumping really high. In fact, I looked down and I am barely leaving the floor.
6:20 p.m. The music concludes and I am out.of.here. I haven't been this hot and sweaty since I cut down a shrub this summer.
6:22 p.m. He just told us to get a mat for "stretch time." Seriously? Seriously? You're going to have to Lysol this mat beyond recognition when I get off of it. I get to wrap my legs around my head and put my face there? Oh lovely.
6:25 p.m. You want me to put my leg up there? This chick in front of me has legs that are like a foot long. That's got to be an advantage. Do these people not sweat?
6:30 p.m. I'm free! I'm free!
6:32 p.m. Sonic blast.
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