How Exciting

Imagine Ben Stein (minus the giant eyeball beach ball and Visine drops) saying, "How exciting" in that drawn out, monotone voice of his.

This is exactly what the 18-year-old me would say to the present me. Truth is, what's exciting does change with time.

I went to the eye doctor yesterday and the lady says, "Do you have insurance you would like to file with us?"

I was slightly beaming as I declared, "Yes, I do." She then asked if I was the policy holder. Why yes I am. I whipped out those freshly perforated, new cards and handed them to her like they were a fold-out wallet of my 15 grandchildren. I know that my deductible is so high that I practically have to lose a limb before it won't cost me an arm and a leg anymore (I had to do it). But there was something so exciting about having my own insurance for the first time; insurance that I work for every day.

See what I mean? Pathetic. Ten years ago you would have had to juggle 10 large plates and swallow a sword to impress me. Now having a $10 copay to get new glasses makes me ecstatic.

Here are some other things that I now find exciting:

• Not having plans on Friday night. I used to feel like a loser if I didn't have anything on the docket. As we speak, I have wound myself into a blanket cocoon on my bed. And I couldn't be more pumped about it.

• Being able to breathe in previously tight pants. The other day because of a laundry mishap (that mishap being...not doing laundry) I was forced to resort to the pants in the back of the closet. You know. The ones that stare at you and taunt, "Last time you wore me, your circulation was cut off. Try, try again." I put them on in desperation and, though not comfortable, I was able to breathe quite consistently all day. Exciting.

• Self-created rewards. I wish I was kidding when I tell you that I motivate myself in 30 minute increments on a really long day. Today at 1:30, I promised myself that I would get two Starbursts at 2:00. Luckily, I made it to receive the long awaited prize.

• Getting a green light at your least favorite light. There is a stoplight here in town that is so long that you can read a book, listen to that same book on tape and then paint your toenails and let them dry. On the days I get to zip through this one, I feel like the heavens have shined upon me.

• Finding a fabricated calorie count on a food item on your fitness app. Let me explain: I had strawberry cake yesterday. Three layers. Whipped icing. Looked it up in my app and found some clearly made-up strawberry cake calorie amount. Totally picked it. If Sally Joe's strawberry cake has 130 calories, then Sally Joe made this strawberry cake. I didn't catch the cook's name after all.

• Getting new undergarments. You'd be excited too if you were almost impaled by your own brassiere last week. Just call me Mrs. Captain Hook.

• Dimly lit restaurants. One man's McDonald's is another man's Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. I'll never forget excitedly telling a new acquaintance that Justin and I were going to PF Chang's to eat for a night out. "Oh, yeah. That's a lot like China Garden...have fun." Um. Lady. The lights are low. The waiters wear all black. We fancy. Oh and it's not like China Garden at all.

• Finding cheap food and places to shop. 49 cent brownie mix at Save-A-Lot. Oh yeah.

• Being called "mam." Ok, so some people scoff at this and get all offended. It was kind of thrilling when a younger employee wrote me back the other day and called me "mam." She doesn't have to know that I'm awkward, I still break out, and I wear my hair in a ponytail most days.

• The appliance section. Justin had to practically pry my face away from the glass of a front-load washer at Lowe's a few months back. "It's so shiny. And fits so many clothes. And it's not outside in the scary room. I want it!" He smiles and replies, "Someday."

So, dear friends, try to find the exciting in every stage of life, however mundane it may seem.

“I think I’m greedy, but I’m not greedy for money – I think that can be a burden – I’m greedy for an exciting life. I want it to be exciting all the time, and I get it, actually. On the other hand, I can find excitement, I admit, in raindrops falling on a puddle and a lot of people wouldn’t. I intend to have it exciting until the day I fall over.”
― David Hockney