Ashton's Olympic Trials

It's that time. The time when you brush up on "The Star Spangled Banner" and wonder if you can hit the rockets' red glare part this year. The time when you suddenly become the #1 fan of a 13-year-old you've never heard of up until this point. The time when you decide that you should have joined the gymnastics class in kindergarten.

It's the Olympics, folks.

I just read an article that said we are sending more women this year than men, for the first time ever. You go girls. Then I read that our high jumper began to resume training shortly after giving birth: "My doctor wanted me to wait six weeks before I started training again. I waited two days!" says Lowe.

I have never had to push a child out of my body, but I can only imagine how it would feel to high jump after such an event. Ouch.

It's stories like that that make me realize why I am not a real Olympic athlete. However, I feel like if some events were added to the docket, I could really have a shot:

The Olympic Data Entry Competition-- Give me a keyboard, 15 addresses, 3 people telling me stories about their ingrown toenail, cheating boyfriend and crappy job, as well as a ringing phone and I will not make one mistake. I will type in that zip code and go for the gold.

The Olympic Popcorn Eating Competition: Cheesy cheddar, kettle corn, triple white cheddar, movie theater. I will win in every category.

The Laundry Pile High-Jump: To avoid actually washing clothes, each country will let their cumulative laundry create a landfill. My practice with jumping over a month's worth of underwear will prove me to be victorious in this specific event.

The Pretty Little Liars Marathon: Two competitors will sit side by side on a couch and see who can stay in their pajamas the longest while not taking their eyes off of the continuously playing Netflix. Bring it on, Japan. I got this.

The Ritzy Relay: Competitors are locked in a large department store. All cute shirts are $5 except for 3. The goal is to fall in love with the 3 shirts that are way more than $5. Winner.

The Sleepy Bobsled Race: Goal: Stay asleep during the entire bobsled run.

The Whiny Javelin: The victor in this competition will hurl the most elaborate whines. Put on your Pull-Ups, Germany. Wait. I don't want to do this. It's hot. And I don't feel like going anywhere. I'm hungry.

I may not be able to birth a child and then hit the track. But I am a fierce competitor who has been training since I was a very small child.

So pass me some popcorn and I'll go put on my pajamas.

Let the games begin.