Cheetah.

I read an article yesterday that discussed a new realm of spousal unfaithfulness— one that won’t land you on the Maury Show, but may place you on hostile ground with your husband or wife: Netflix cheating. This is when a couple agrees to go through an instant streaming show together, only to have one or both parties secretly watching the show separately.

While I’ve never fully gone through with it, I have been that wife on the brink, clutching the remote and staring at the “Recently Watched” list with covetous eyes. It was a cliffhanger. He’s out of town for three days. He’ll.never.know. We can watch it again and I can just act like I have no idea what’s about to happen next.

I know myself though. And I know the end result of that scenario involves me lying on the couch with brownie batter on my face and the final episode completed. So I resist.

Here are some other signs that some faux infidelity may be goin’ on around your house:

· Empty remnants of your favorite foods are placed back on the shelf. If you go to pour yourself a non-existent bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, chances are, he’s moved on to bigger and better things…like your cereal. If she makes 7 cookies, you know she’s been spending a little too much time with the cookie dough.

· The surprise gifts that enter your home seem to be for someone else. A stuffed squirrel, a squeaky fox, peanut butter-flavored rawhides.

· Saturday Night Live is no longer highlighted on your DVR list. Yep. Someone had a date with the Justin Timberlake episode while you were at your parents’ house.

· Taylor Swift is on your radio when you turn it on. Your wife may claim to think the melodramatic singer is pitchy and ridiculous, but when you’re gone, honey—your wife is busting out, “We are never ever ever getting back together” like you dumped her at the breakfast table.

· You find the remains of a Sonic outing. Know how you both established that the excessive eating out would STOP this month? That doesn’t hinder your walking barrel of hormones from downing a corndog and mozzarella sticks on the way home. Always look in the middle of the trashcan and pay attention for signs of recent perfume use: think fried food + tropical fruit.

· She buys you a new shirt. This is often used as a distraction. You think she went to the mall with the full intention of buying you a plaid shirt you didn’t need? Uh no. She bought 3 skirts too and decided on a sale price peace offering.

· She disappears in hourly spurts throughout the day. So. She’s totally going to the bedroom to watch an ABC Family soap opera. She will finish the season before you know the show’s title.

I’ll be the first to tell you that secrets aren’t healthy. But sometimes the meaningless mysteries that make up our lives are all we’ve got left to ourselves (right, Moms who can’t go to the bathroom without a little hand under the door?)

So listen to terrible music. Douse the car in body spray to hide the scent of French Fries.

The stupid stuff you don’t know won’t hurt you.