5 Problems You Won't Have Post-Wedding

Last weekend fulfilled the second of my trio of summer weddings. I’m sure it’s just a newlywed thing, but every wedding seems to spur some type of memory from your own ceremony. Unless you are Justin who— judging by his questions at their wedding reception—apparently suffers from wedding day amnesia. It seems to run rampant in males I hear.

While I look upon other people’s ceremonies with very fond memories, there’s still that part of me that is irrevocably relieved that I will never have to do that again.

Welcome to your world post-wedding:

· The next time people stand up and share embarrassing stories about you, you will be dead and won’t have to hear it. In old Irish tradition, friends and family would tell mortifying stories about the bride and groom in an attempt to test the strength of their potential union. She sucked her thumb until she was 14. He wet the bed once in college. Still want to walk down the aisle with Miss I-Have-A-Weird-Birthmark? Ok, so I made the whole Irish tradition part up. But say hello to your new, story-free life.

· You don’t ever have to pretend to be the Queen of England on an invite ever again. I listed Justin’s parents on the invitation despite its deviation from wedding etiquette. I was watching my back for the crew of “The Knot” to whisk me away to bridal prison, but it never happened. Couples with divorced parents, remarried parents, a dad who now wants to go by Roberta instead of Robert, rejoice! You can invite them down to the BBQ on Facebook without adding that it’s at “two o’clock in the afternoon.”

· People will rarely try to get you to panic about mundane things. There’s always that one girl. She’s like a Fox News reporter on Red Bull. “The flowers didn’t bloom!” “It’s raining!” “The caterer dropped the ham on the floor.” “The cake is melting!” “The preacher is late!” “One of the groomsmen just tried on his tux for the first time and he looks like Paul Bunyan in munchkin pants.” In weddings, these people are rewarded for their bravery. In real life, they are usually punched in the face.

· The next time a four-year-old dressed like Little Bo Peep tries to ruin your day, you will be the rightful parent who can spank her in the church bathroom. But alas, she is your flower girl. And despite the fact that she has lifted her dress above her head in front of all of your guests, you are to play it cool and hope your photographer has the latest Photoshop.

· No more awkward photos. Justin and I don’t make a habit of lying on a quilt with a banjo and an old camera. We don’t stare at each other from opposite sides of a giant oak tree. It’s been over a year now and he hasn’t had to carry me while simultaneously grinning one time. Enjoy your new life of iPhone selfies.

I’ve heard that some brides get post-wedding blues. It’s like after a year of cake testing, you realize your cake has already been eaten by all your relatives and you didn’t get a piece. I get it. But just think of all the stresses you will never have to endure again. And when you do, you will gladly trade in the taffeta for some cartoon-print pajama pants.