Puppy Love

I just read an article about a man who is pleading with the U.S. Treasury to replace the $500 that his Golden Retriever ate as an afternoon snack.

After the incident, apparently, the guy did just about everything but grab a bowl of popcorn and watch his dog pop a squat for several days.

They eventually made their exit and were washed profusely, pieced together and laid out to dry. Banks who refused to exchange them sent him to the U.S. Treasury, where his case will be reviewed.

I’ve had several shoes bite the dust in the wake of being a pet parent and Justin has chew marks on just about every hat he wears in public. I can’t, however, imagine the desperation that would ensue if my pooch ate $500. I would like to say that I wouldn’t go poop diving, but I can’t promise anything.

Being a pet parent for the first time has been quite the little adventure. As previously discussed, I’m not a natural animal lover. Even though I love Fiona, I wouldn’t say that my status has changed other than that I have learned to love my dog—and that’s enough for me.

Here’s what I have found:

1. Your underwear will look like it’s from Cupid’s, but not for the right reasons. Let’s just say the tattered effect and secret trap doors were not present upon purchase. You usually won’t realize your new style until they’ve been washed and packed in an overnight suitcase.

2. You will smell urine 24/7. Justin and I’s post-work banter has changed from, “Hey babe, did you have a good day?” to “Do you smell pee? I smell pee.” I’m so paranoid now that I think I smell it even when it doesn’t exist.

3. You will guard your rugs with your life. I didn’t realize that I loved my floral rug so much until the other night. Fiona, who likes to eat grass and throw up for fun, began her preemptive dry-heaving. I held her out like Rafiki holding Simba and ran to the tile, gagging the whole way. “Not. The. Rug. Not. The. Rug.” was my soothing mantra the whole way. I’m pretty sure if worse came to worst; I would have sprawled upon those fine fibers and let her blow chunks on me.

4.You will soon possess 2,136 pictures of your dog sleeping. And you will think within each of them is a more unique, endearing quality than the last.

5.You will suddenly attract more attention to yourself. I learned this after our first road trip ala dog. No longer did I disappear behind large, baggy sweatpants and a sweatshirt covered in Ranch Corn Nuts that had lost their way to my mouth. I was now at a press conference at a rest stop in Texas, displayed in all my grimy glory. “Yes, she’s a weenie dog.” “She’s about 5 months old.” “Oh, you had a weenie dog too?” “Your dog just died? I’m sorry.” “Yes, your child can terrorize her for 5 minutes.”

6.You will start to relate when parents complain about no bathroom privacy. My dog has learned to barrel through our bathroom door and lick my feet and legs when I get out of the shower. Who needs a towel? If you don’t give her a front row seat while you’re using the John, she will sit outside the door and cry like the ticket booth closed early.

7.You will start accidentally talking to everyone else in your dog voice. Justin got up from the couch the other night and announced in a higher tone than usual that he was going, “potty.” We both laughed. Then I clapped for him and gave him a treat.

8. You will worry about how others perceive your dog. FiFi was invited to play with our friends’ little girl. They have THE best carpet I have ever seen. They had no more than shown us their new carpet cleaner and what it could do when Fiona decided to drop a deuce. My heart sank, a look of utter mortification hit my face and the carpet cleaner made its way out of the closet once again. Now I know why my mom sweated bullets when she took us anywhere. Please. Don’t. Break. ANYTHING.

I think the greatest surprise of all for me, though, is that I have found the ability to love unconditionally. I have learned that writing RIP on a shoe box isn’t the end of the world. And that having a puppy sense your sadness means the world.

There’s good days. There’s bad days. There’s days where I miss the only scent in my house being a Vanilla Scentsy burner.

But I have been changed for the better.

And I’d place 500 mutilated dollars on that.