Real Life & The Bachelor

So I found out Justin had a basketball scrimmage tonight with some guys from church. I skipped my post-work gym time because I was going to get my DVR on. You know, those shows that have been highlighted for days now-- just waiting for you to be alone in all of your cheesy girl glory.

Hi, my name is Ashton. And I watch The Bachelor. Like all 4 hours of it.

To all the haters out there, let me let you in on a secret: we know it isn't real. We don't want it to be real. And in all actuality, we'd probably go insane if the Bachelor was our husband.

Thinking is not really a qualification for watching the show, but I decided to try it out tonight-- and compare the projected scenarios to real life.

These are only a few:

• Jumping off buildings and repelling doesn't bond you. Just ask Justin about any instance where I have been sweating and working hard simultaneously. Not a pretty picture. We barely made it through a bathroom remodel. 

• Guys don't want to hear sad stories. When I was like 10, my friend and I were walking across a log at the creek by my house and I fell off into some shallow, freezing water. But you know what? I am 26 now. Twenty-six. Bringing this up as a life trial is just not going to gain "I'm so glad she opened up to me" points from real dudes.

• Forget the helicopter. Instead, picture the two of you in a dented hand-me-down from one of your parental units. Because this is most likely what you will be cruising in. Everybody looks sexy when you're a million feet in the air. It takes a special couple to giggle incessantly without an air conditioner.

• Life ain't got background music. When you're sitting at Chili's, you have to actually talk about more than how much you like each other. There isn't a concerto in the background to drown out the snooze fest going on. So read a headline every now and then. And not one about a celebrity's weird-named kid.

• Get a real job. Here on Planet Real World, we don't get to be professional organizing yoga instructors with a two-month vacay package to go find the man of our dreams. The most excitement some of us see in a day is our circular-formula Excel spreadsheets balancing after hours of data entry. So yeah, enjoy telling your new fiance what you really do post-show. And I bet it's not a business lending consultant specialist.

I obviously realize the ludicrous nature of the shows I watch. I think the reason I watch them, though, is the satisfaction in simplicity that it gives me. I don't have to polar plunge in a bikini for him to notice me; and he doesn't have to feign complete distress when I tell him about the spelling bee that changed my life when I was 13.

"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." - Rita Rudner