5 Things You Learn in Marriage

Justin and I did something a little out of both of our comfort zones last weekend. We went to a *gasp* marriage conference.

As with most things of this nature, I am a tad skeptical. Not going to lie.

The girl who watched Oprah every day after school sure doesn't like to get in touch with her own feelings. Oh, I cry like a girl, don't get me wrong. But I am perfectly content not knowing why.

I didn't want to be told that divorces were caused by husbands who don't take out the trash. I didn't want to hear that sending me flowers every now and then would keep me pacified.

Then this happened: I am sitting there and the two people hosting it flat out said, "Satan wants to destroy your marriage. Your spouse is not your enemy, Satan is."

Whoa. Hold up. Ok, you can start telling me that I need to start leaving love notes in his lunchbox anytime now.

One of the people interviewed said, "The devil's strategy for our times is to trivialize human existence and to isolate us from one another while creating the delusion that the reasons are time pressures, work demands, or economic anxieties."

That isn't fluff, ya'll. That's true. We are coming upon a year and I can honestly say I have learned more about myself than I have about him.

You know those vanity mirrors that have different light settings? Well, when you're single, you are looking at yourself in the "dim, candlelight restaurant" setting. When you get married, it's like flip that baby over to the tweeze-my-eyebrow magnifying side. For real. It's about as pretty as that now life-size zit on your face, too.

Here's what you discover:

• You're selfish. Had you asked me pre-nuptials if I would consider myself a self-absorbed person, I would have given you a "Who me?" face. Something about saying "I do" brings out Mr. Me Monster. Suddenly you feel the need to defend your movie choice like you're representing O.J. Simpson on a murder conviction. Christmas traditions you didn't know you had are now the most important thing in your life and must be abided by or else.

• You do care. Remember when you were dating that guy in junior high and you didn't care about anything? Want to watch this show? I don't care. Want to go to this concert? I don't care. Do you want to go to Taco Bell for our first anniversary dinner? I don't care. Then you get married. And boy do you care. You care about your tile grout turning black. You care about missing socks. You care about your DVR-ed shows being ranked high priority.

• You now count in increments of one million. So your college boyfriend broke up with you three times? He was just trying to "find himself." But your husband left a million toenail clippings on the carpet. And your husband farted a million times last night in his sleep. And he left the laundry in the washer for a million years.

• You are insecure. You just got done looking awesome. Fancy dress, fancy hair, a diamond tiara. That's grounds for feeling like hot stuff, right? Then you get home. Justin told me I had left a few soap suds on a pan as I went to put it in the cupboard. I lost it. A few missed suds turned into a cryfest proclaiming what a lousy cook and wife I was. That was some deeply buried stuff, you guys. Needless to say, soapsuds are pretty unmentionable these days.

• You miss your parents. I hate the phrase "Leave and Cleave." Cleave is just a weird word anyway. But it's probably the hardest thing to do. I remember filling out an emergency contact form and writing, "Trey and..." Wait. Justin is my emergency contact now. It was a strange realization. Now to cut down on the "Well, my mom says..." discourses...

The weekend, cheesy skits and all, was ultimately based on the fact that the primary purpose of marriage is to reflect God's image and that it's not some I'll-give-50, You-give-50 bargain. It's two people. It's 100/100. It's a battle. It's using the same faith it takes to say that you believe Jesus rose from the dead to say that you can daily heal your marriage. It's a gift. It's a witness.

"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'." - Beverly Clark, "Shall We Dance" (Love that movie!) 

And to think, you got all of this for free. Without even leaving your couch.

You're welcome.

Blessings,

Ashton