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I remember hearing a ventriloquist in Branson as a teenager. A real Boston Terrier was on the stage and he was making him talk. I remember him asking the dog about his day. This was the dog's response: "I went outside. I came back in. I went outsiiiide. I came back in. I went outsiiiiiiide. I came back in," and so it went.

I remember laughing loudly, inwardly pondering how boring being a dog must be.

And then I grew up.

And then I went to work. And came back in. I went to woooork. And came back in. I loaded the dishwasher and loaded it again. I unloaded the dishwasher and unloaded it again. I folded boxer briefs. And then they were dirty again.

Lately, instead of striving to be the Proverbs 31 woman, I have gotten pretty caught up in being the Pinterest 31 woman.

Per raving reviews, I concocted a baking soda/water paste that was supposed to make my kitchen shine. By the time I was through, it looked like Frosty and the abominable snowman had both blown chunks all over my stove and sink. I went to wipe it off the next day and it was like trying to crack rock candy with your baby teeth.

I finally chipped away until there was a cloudy, milky glaze all over my appliances.

Fail.

I have tried all these things. I have bought all these things. I have read all these things. I have most likely driven Justin crazy. And for what? To feel even worse about myself. So-- for those like me, I have created some "How To's" that even you can handle.

Here's some of the articles people should pin:

1. How to get your stove drip pans squeaky clean again:

• Go buy more. 4 pack. Wal-Mart. Do it.

2. The best way to fold a fitted sheet:

• Do you make your guests make their own beds? If your answer is no (which it should be) then WHO CARES? They'll never know it was wadded in your closet.

3. An easy lipgloss recipe:

• Go to the dollar store. Buy a tube of it for a dollar. That is unless you have Vaseline and Kool-Aid super handy and you want your lips to taste like they did at VBS.

4. How to pre-prepare your work lunch for an entire month:

• Get a Wal-Mart sack. Stuff two loaves of bread, a pound of lunchmeat and a package of Kraft's singles in there. Put it in the company fridge. Tah-dah!

5. How to make a reminder board with chalkboard paint:

• You've got a smartphone, right? Go to reminders. Set a bunch of them. Then set reminders to set reminders. Then set reminders to remind other people to be reminded. Less messy and you look important.

6. How to do neat nail designs:

• Paint your toenails. Leave for 4 weeks. Stub your toenail against your coffee table a few times. Re-paint toenails with a similar color without removing previous polish. Forget that you just painted them and then chip the tip of the color off on your big toe.

7. How to Make your Bathroom Floors Shine:

• Buy a really weird-tinted lightbulb on accident. The blue tint will twilight zone the place out and no one will notice there's a hair on the floor.

8. A Quick Fix to Kitchen Floor Dirt:

• Move island on wheels over clumps of dirt as needed.

9. How to be Frugal:

• Don't have teeth. Don't have a sinus cavity. Actually, just don't breathe at all.

10. How to Stay Happily Married

• Engineer constant flashbacks of when you were single, moody and crying out, "Why, universe, why me?" Insert a tub of Rocky Road if flashbacks do not immediately become clear.

Truth be told, if I worried about my marriage half as much as I worried about how much sucking power my vacuum has, it could be an even bigger blessing.

If I worried about what visitors thought about my spirit more than I pondered what they thought of the inside of my toilet, maybe I could be an even bigger blessing.

So just drop some of those burdens.

After all, we all know they'll be waiting right where you left them. And they've probably multiplied and had sock babies.

"...Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Give her of the fruit of her hands,

and let her works praise her in the gates."