Guns N Snow

There are two things Southerners get pretty crazy about. Like hide yo kids, hide yo wife crazy about.

Guns. And snow.

I'm pretty sure if it was snowing and you took away their guns, their macaroni-battered hearts couldn't handle all that mess.

Just the talk of snow flurries in surrounding towns has everyone at the office clinging to weather.com for the latest scoop. I think I see it myself until I realize that it is a foggy, steak-scented mirage being emitted from Ryan's Buffet next door.

Everyone is focused. Everyone is on a mission. Everyone efficiently works to stay alive.

Where, my friends, is this urgency the other 365 days of the year?

Northerners get a bad rap for their fast-paced, no nonsense way of life. I'm probably going to get my Cracker Barrel card revoked for this, but I wish people in the South would be in snow mode all the time. This is what that world would look like:

• K-Mart Kathy would scan your items in record pace. She wouldn't tell you a story about each item or make you wait for 17 feet of receipts. "Oh, honey, my lane is open. My light is on and today it means I am checking people out. And I'm happy about it."

• No-blinker Bob would actually think twice before cutting in front of you. He would drive cautiously and at a reasonable speed. And he would remove all of his Christian bumper stickers-- because life is too short to be a hypocrite.

• The revenue office ladies suddenly realize that they in fact can handle the issue you are there for and that cooperating...and sort of smiling...makes things go by more quickly.

• Miss "Cheeseburger plain have a nice day come back and see us" from the Burger King drive-thru doesn't make you pull forward and wait for your special order. She realizes there is more to life than wearing a tongue ring and not using verbal punctuation.

• The frat boys that congregate around the only chest press talking about their beer intake will decide that hurrying to the next machine is efficient and allows others to finish their workout on time. Move it out, Testosterone Club.

• The lady who tells you her life story will summarize utero through college in two sighs and a foot tap.

• The sous-chef wannabe at the table next to you will realize that maybe, just maybe, he can live with ice in his cup. First, that poor waitress is 16 and trying to pay for her car. Second, just wait a few minutes and your cup will have no ice.

Despite what this may sound like, I am not abandoning the land of Dixie. I'm not. I am simply proposing that we live every day, work every day, interact every day as if we are protecting the world from freezing rain.

Only then will I get out of Wal-Mart and pretty much any parking lot in this town with some version of sanity.

Diary of A Mad, White Workout Lady

[The mental anguish of a new gym member]

5 p.m. I can't believe I'm changing in the work bathroom right now. Did I bring socks? Just grab the handicap bar. Don't fall. Don't. Fall. French Fries.


5:05 p.m. Shoot. I left my coat at my desk. My boss is still out there. I'm wearing a racerback shirt from early college. I can't walk back to my desk like this. What if I ran into the Bank President? I'm sealed vacuum-tight in this thing. Snickers bar.

5:15 p.m. Ok, I'm here. There's like no parking spots. All these "New Years Resolution" losers. I guess I am now one of those losers.

5:20 p.m. Must.find.correct.keycard. I've got like 3 of them from gyms gone by.

5:22 p.m. Wait. No one told me a dude was leading this class. A big dude. And he's got an Affliction shirt on. Probably because he's about to afflict a lot of pain on me. I probably would have coughed up my math homework to him in high school. And now he's in charge of me for the next hour. Whopper with cheese.

5:30 p.m. March up and down. I've got this. Happy music is happening so it can't get too bad.

6:00 p.m. Mayday. Mayday. Why is he walking over this way? Why does he have a huge grin on his face? He better not touch me.

6:03 p.m. He just asked me if I moved my leg like I was supposed to. I did. He is shaking his head. I think I know if I moved my own leg or not. Geez.

6:05 p.m. We're spinning our arms rapidly into the air to a techno version of "Rolling on the River." Clever, Arnold Schwarzenegger, very clever.

6:15 p.m. Uh oh. It's getting more technical. I'm out of step with the women around me. Maybe as long as I jump at the end he won't notice that I'm skipping the first part. I think I'm jumping really high.

6:17 p.m. I am not jumping really high. In fact, I looked down and I am barely leaving the floor.

6:20 p.m. The music concludes and I am out.of.here. I haven't been this hot and sweaty since I cut down a shrub this summer.

6:22 p.m. He just told us to get a mat for "stretch time." Seriously? Seriously? You're going to have to Lysol this mat beyond recognition when I get off of it. I get to wrap my legs around my head and put my face there? Oh lovely.

6:25 p.m. You want me to put my leg up there? This chick in front of me has legs that are like a foot long. That's got to be an advantage. Do these people not sweat?

6:30 p.m. I'm free! I'm free!

6:32 p.m. Sonic blast.

A Pessimist's New Year

As most of you have probably gathered, I am-- despite all efforts-- a pessimist. January is a tough month for pessimists. We read your peppy statuses about leaving last year behind and focusing on what lies ahead and we...to be honest, we cringe.

You are led by Bible verses like 2 Corinthians 5:17: Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

We sit in our recliner, watching the news and get all King Solomon on everybody: What has been will be again; what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. [Ecclesiastes 1:9]

Let's face it. It's hard to have a fresh start when it appears that your surroundings haven't been desperately sprayed with Febreeze. Like put on a blindfold and go to a meat factory Febreezed.

These unfortunate enigmas continue to plague your yesterday, today, and tomorrow:

1. The Gym Bo [Bimbo]: Whether it's 2007 or 2013, GymBo will continue to haunt your resolutions. No high school basketball shorts for this fashionista. She glides on the elliptical like an African gazelle and her ponytail only bobs up and down, like a perfectly timed Whack-a-Mole at Chuck E. Cheese. She looks at you with a combination of pity and deep satisfaction in her perfection.

2. The Walgreens Whack: You know how you wanted to be more patient in 1998? Well, man who doesn't understand why the lady can't double his coupon at 11:30 p.m. is still around. Oh they won't take his coupon? He'll show them and buy his toothpaste using 3 different payment forms while you sit there hiding two boxes of Tampax. And he can't believe they don't take the bags out to his car.

3. Man vs. Food: Calorie counters sound so awesome in January. Then it's March and you're going, "I don't give a flip what kind of rice this is! It says a cup of dry rice is less calories. Maybe I'll eat it dry. No, no, I won't. I'm getting a cheeseburger."

4. Informed Insanity: We're all going to be more informed and passionate the next year. Then you scroll down your Facebook newsfeed. And you see that passion is separate from information all together. And that people like guns... a lot. And that if someone can scrap together a poorly-written post about how evil Wal-Mart is, they are automatically an expert on entrepreneurship and the economy.

5.  Quality Time: I'm going to put down my cell phone more. I'm going to turn off the TV and read. Then you'll read the same paragraph four times and decide that it's easier to vicariously not think through the Kardashian family. And when that weird dude in the waiting room wants to talk to you, you begin to play Words with Friends...anything with friends as long as you don't have to be present.

Despite my "Why isn't there more milk in my glass?" perspective on life, I can say that goals are attainable and a new year really can be a "new" year. But realize that the battles will be there waiting for you.

So pick the elliptical on the other side of the gym and avoid Walgreens late at night.

"We cannot change our past. We can not change the fact that people act in a certain way. We can not change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude." - Charles Swindoll

7 New Years Resolutions for Other People

Making resolutions for yourself is so last year. Thinking of resolutions for other people is much easier and significantly cheaper than that gym membership you were about to sign up for. So let them eat cake.

• From Fiona: "I resolve to only chew on my toys. After all, you spent your hard-earned money getting them for me. I have also decided to poop immediately in the yard and not take you on a treacherous outdoor adventure before I pop a squat." 

• From Facebook Friends: "I resolve to stop believing everything I read and continuing the madness by passing it along. Facebook does not want to steal my identity and sell it to my enemies and if they did, they would surely give it back after reading all of my posts."

• From IT Departments everywhere: "I resolve to understand that not every problem is fixed by re-starting your computer. Even though it usually is."

• From movie producers: "I resolve to create a heart-warming, Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan-esque romantic comedy with good dialogue. I realize that some women actually prefer funny anecdotes to a finely chiseled chest."

• From Pinterest: "I resolve to stop saying things are quick and easy when they really aren't, thus making you feel lazy and incompetent because you don't have 48 hours to follow 27 steps to completion." 

• From the person who always seems to be behind me at the red light post-work: "I resolve to stop honking immediately when the light turns to green. I admittedly realize that moving your foot over to the gas pedal accounts for an average 1.5 seconds of stall time. I apologize." 

• From the creators of FarmVille, Bubble Safari and other Facebook games: "I resolve to give a percentage of the trillion-dollar profits I have made off of this stupid thing to all of the people I inconvenience with invites. And I promise that frequent offenders will be sentenced to three years on an actual farm."

Tilt

You've heard the phrase, "It ain't over until the fat lady sings."

For me, it is often-- "It ain't over until the big-boned girl with a fondness for desserts writes."

Known for my dramatic streak and the one-act plays I could perform at a moment's notice when I found my parents unfair, one would assume that my reaction to grief would be quite Shakespearean.

What I have discovered, however, is that I have turned rather stoic. I have kind of floated around the past week or so, smiling slightly, listening to encouraging words. Uttering the traditional, "He's in a better place" and "It was time" in the same breath that I long to shout "I want him here" and "He deserved more time."

Writing is the way I cope. Hitting the "Publish Post" button lifts a burden from my shoulders and allows me to begin the moving on process. I could approach this post in many ways; and I think that is why I have begun it so many times and then closed my computer in defeat.

But then I remembered my grandma telling me about what happened shortly before I arrived in Texas. Several of my family members were standing in my grandparents' room, taking in the rearrangement. She made her way to a nearby picture frame and began straightening its tilt while she commented, "I just don't know what I'm going to do."

My newest uncle by marriage, with his timed wit and soft smile, responded, "There are plenty of pictures in this house to straighten."

She said she began to laugh; and soon, others in the room joined in therapeutic chorus.

When someone as upstanding and respected as my grandpa passes away, it often leaves those remaining with the seemingly impossible task of living up to their greatness.

It is easy to be intimidated by their stories of heroism and unfaltering compassion; it is easy to question whether you-- with your short temper and intolerance-- resemble them in the least; it is easy to only hope that your memorial service will be as crowded and story-filled as theirs.

But in the noise that was left in their wake, you hear: There are always pictures to be straightened.

There are always co-workers that need an encouraging e-mail. There are always people who need a casserole. There are always spouses that need an extra dose of unmerited grace.

So don't become overwhelmed by the large portrait that grief paints; be concerned with the small photos in your life that could use an extra eye to make them level.

For, at the end of your life, it is the collage of pictures that is presented as the testament to who you were.

Freak Out

It's been quite a while since my last finals week. It is almost to the point where I don't even remember what that freak out even feels like. I can remember the dental bill freak out. I can remember the "Am I going to be unemployed forever?" freak out quite well.

It's all reasonable at the time. The world revolves around your 2:35 a.m. cram fest and your life will be forever affected by your essay on the Industrial Revolution.

Or not.

While you're at it, don't freak out about these things either:

1. Sororities/Social Clubs. You spend half of your young life wanting to be chosen. You spend the rest of your life wanting to avoid being chosen. You go from the person who would eat mud to get a few laughs to the poorly-made, non-fluffy teddy bear shoved against the glass in a claw machine, silently praying, "Please don't notice me. I just want to get my eggs and milk and shoot out of this awful place."

2. Mission Mania. I'm just going to say it. Not everyone is in Africa, going to Africa or making bracelets for Africa. I spent years in paralyzed disappointment that I wasn't wearing Chacos and traveling the planet. I am grateful that those people are serving. But your workplace needs some of that salt of the earth stuff too.

3. Sports. One visit to a pee-wee basketball game will let you know just how seriously people take their sports. The kid hasn't even lost all of his baby teeth and grown women are threatening to knock them out for him. Here's some hope: the Greene County Tech Rail Rumblers' "Air Ball!" chant is now only a soft whisper in my ears. And the only regret I have is that I now understand why a "suicide drill" obtained its name. Huff. Huff.

4. Dating dumb. Don't panic about just any 'ol person. You will find that having an actual conversation with a member of the opposite sex is kind of fun. If someone texts you at 1 a.m. with "Sup," they are not going to pass the coffee shop test. A conversation over a latte can be very revealing. So put down your flying thumbs and see if they know who the 1st President of the United States is.

5. Post-College plans. Oh, so you're going to New York to write, are you? Wait. You don't like to be away from your family? Wait. You don't want to pay a gazillion dollars for a tiny apartment. Wait. You are afraid of getting mugged. A hundred bucks says that's probably not going to happen, Ash. Don't freak out if your plans are tweaked-- because they most likely will take a scenic detour.

6. Spiritual Issues. Four words for ya. Life isn't church camp. Just because you aren't weeping with your summer friends around a campfire singing "Kumbaya" doesn't mean God isn't near. Worries get bigger than a water balloon war and sometimes our spirits don't quite bounce back like they used to. But they will.

7. Body Issues. I'm going to count to 3 and we're all going to say together, "I am not 16 anymore." There. Doesn't that feel better? Our minds and souls have been through a lot since our teenage days-- and we're cool with that. That's how we grow up, get smart and live productive lives. But so have our bods. Our metabolism takes off in the convertible with our moody, irrational younger self. You listen to your kids crunch on cereal instead of doing crunches yourself. You pick up crap off the floor, but suddenly your legs don't compute this motion as a lunge anymore. Keep your head up. It's going to be OK.

 I'd tell that guy to chill out, relax and wait until 1998 when everything will be cool because There's Something About Mary will make you a big star. Before that, I was pretty hard on myself going, 'I'm not in the Brat Pack. What's wrong with me?' Now I'm so happy I wasn't.  - Ben Stiller

Resolution

Well, the Christmas season is upon us-- ready or not. Before we've even digested Turkey Round 1, Old Navy is turning up Mariah Carey's greatest Christmas hits. Middle-aged women wrestle over half-priced Wii games while simultaneously fighting the "War on Christmas." You better not say holiday trees. And while you're at it, fork over that last remaining flat screen before I claw your eyes out. Merry Christmas everyone.

This particular season is a time of reflection and resolution for a lot of people. Admittedly, I am not a big resolution person.

Not in a snobby "I pledge to be a marvelous, disciplined individual all 365 days of the year" kind of way.

But more so in a "I'm not going to lose 20 pounds- who am I kidding? And giving up caffeine will just make me a psychotic employee" kind of way.

So, instead, I choose to think back on the things that I actually resolved without having a resolution. I suggest this as an alternative to those who get discouraged every year around this time. You may have forgotten what your trainer's face looks like, but hey, you didn't get any speeding tickets in 2012. 


Here's my stats:

• I got married. This has been on my imaginary resolution list since I could verbally enunciate "I do." There was a stretch there when I thought about becoming a nun. But lucky for me, I had the fate of my favorite nun: The Sound of Music's Maria-- luckily without all those singing pre-teens.

• I watched an animal pee on my Bed, Bath and Beyond rug numerous times. And still got attached. Justin and I will be at lunch and the first 15 minutes of our conversation is about Fiona. "Do you think the food we are giving her is too harsh for her digestive system?" "You missed her first bark. It was at the vacuum cleaner. Yes, I vacuumed." 

• The girl who refused to help her roommates make a snowman actually decorated for Christmas this year. I only did the side of the tree that most people can see, but that's a start right? Oh, and I bought a stocking for the dog. You can take that coal right on back to the sleigh, Santa.

• I ordered my Christmas presents online-- before Christmas.

• I paid my first dental bill. And didn't pass out. If my individual teeth are worth what they say they are, I could sell those suckers on eBay and get a Toyota Highlander.

• I started baking. From scratch. Like flour all over your clothes scratch. It's actually pretty therapeutic. Dealing with a difficult person a few weeks ago resulted in 2 dozen cookies and homemade icing. And no, she didn't get any of it.

• I started having an opinion. It snuck up on me I have to admit. One minute it was rainbows and gumdrops-- the next minute I wanted to jump through Facebook and grammatically slam people to the ground. Must...go...bake.

• I became more hospitable. It may be surprising to some of you, but I get anxious in some social environments. When the preacher man starts the preemptive speech before the "Greet your neighbor" thing, I inwardly panic. I usually just say "I like your shirt" and then wait for the music to start. All this to say, we have had people into our home which has pushed me out of my comfort zone-- and ended up being really fun.

• I got a TV in my room for the first time. This may seem juvenile, but I wasn't allowed to have a TV in my room growing up. Too much potential for not coming back out. So here I am-- 26-- eating Cocoa Krispies in my bed watching "The Voice."

I had some pretty monumental moments this past year. But, for me, it's all about the little battles along the way-- battles that we often ignore and replace with disappointment in the ideologies that we failed to accomplish.

So the next time you beat yourself up over the fact that you skipped one Pilates workout, remember the time you put back that $45 blouse you didn't need to spend the dough on. Victory is in the eye of the beholder.

"Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle." - Eric Zorn

"Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution." -Jay Leno