Love Attack

Usually off-the-wall news stories aren’t local. But yesterday, I read that in my town—at a nature center that I like to visit, a man tried to impress his date by staging an assault. I guess he felt that a damsel in distress scenario was still relevant in 2013. The plans were for Mr. Bad Guy to somehow choose to reside outside of a FREE FAMILY PARK (because nothing says ransom money like people who want to look at a one-eyed owl and check out a 3-D landscape of Crowley’s Ridge) and then pop out and take the girl, only for her to be rescued by Prince Charming.

But his plans went awry when Cinderella booked it out of there and called the police. He soon cracked under the pressure and relayed his scheme. Something tells me this dude may be flying solo for a while. [See link at the bottom for more details.]

Can I just say how glad I am that the dating chapter of my life is over? If marriage is a prison, lock me up. Lock.Me.Up. Because this is the kind of mess we think we have to do. I once had to avoid romantic advances from strangers—not once, but twice—in a cemetery. I was coerced into paying $7 to ship a forgotten harmonica to a band member in a cousin’s wedding in hopes that he would marry me in return ($7 is a pretty cheap dowry, folks).

Here are some other reasons I’m thankful I don’t have to deal with that dating mess anymore:

5. I can now talk to male acquaintances like a normal person. When you have been trained to think that every guy you interact with might be “potential,” it automatically ups the ante. I remember my mom’s horrified look when she introduced me to a friend’s son. I hadn’t said more than, “Nice to meet you” and my face became the Niagara Falls of sweat. My upper lip shined like it had just been waxed and my hands were clammy and shaky. She soon rescued me from my words and prevented me from breaking God’s “I won’t flood the world again” promise.

4. The ring is a powerful thing. “You’re just approachable, Ashton.” If I heard that explanation once, I heard it a million times growing up as to why I got unwanted attention from certain individuals. When you get married and the unwanted attention stops, you tell yourself it just has to be the ring. It has to be. Regardless of the reasoning, you are relieved and can live daily life more normally.

3. You don’t have to pretend anymore. I know, I know. Be yourself, right? The people that say this are usually guilty of uttering, “But you may want to eat slower, contain your voice volume, lose 15 pounds and wear my outfit” in the same breath. I have been a football team’s #1 fan. I have pretended to like fancy seafood. I have pondered a life without indoor plumbing. I have figured out though that I prefer delivery pizza and not using the bathroom on sawdust.

2. You don’t have to bother with rules. Do I wait two days before calling? Do I let him call first? Am I being needy? Is it too soon to say “I love you”? Oh no, I said “we” when referencing the future. When you’re married, you can drop the “L” bomb all you want—and your future can have him/her in it without waiting for the “It’s not you, it’s me” monologue.

1. You no longer have to act like movies are real life. I remember watching a sweet movie where the dude blindfolds the girl and feeds her this sauce he made. He wants her to really savor the flavor and pick out what’s in it. That is so sweet. Fast forward to one of my many bad decisions who asked me to close my eyes at a restaurant, I might add and relish in this crème Brule. Um no. There was no relishing going on, people. I felt like a baby in a Gerber commercial. My parents worked too hard teaching me not to spit out my carrots for me to backtrack.

So when people describe marital life as a ball and chain, I just think of the alternative. When my dog drenches me in milk and cereal (aka yesterday), I just remember the graveyard Casanova.

I could be comfortably married or I could be fake attacked. At the rate I was going, it was only a matter of time.

Actual story: http://www.kait8.com/story/21723236/jpd-attack-victim-was-trying-to-impress-date