Getting Real

You know when they interview "real guys" in magazines and they say bogus stuff? Read one the other day: "20 Annoying Girl Things He Secretly Loves About You." Oh, so you actually love hearing about Real Housewives of New York City? I had no idea. One of them actually said that he likes being told stories about awesome ex-boyfriends because it means "you're with me now." Get real. 


So I got real.

And I searched all over the world for a male interviewee who represents every demographic. So we could get to the bottom of this. Lie. I searched all the way to the other side of the couch. A special thanks to Justin for pretending my blog is famous and taking the time to answer a few questions.

1. What would you hypothesize is the reason women go to the bathroom in packs?

"I think they give away free stuff. Every time you go in and out, you get a free gift package-- but only if you have 4 or more." 

2. What are your real thoughts on high heels?

"If women can walk in them without effort or even run in them, stay away. That's more high maintenance than I can handle. But if they wear them and struggle, they're more down to earth and I can handle that. I will one day create a chart that plots ability to walk in heels versus daily relationship maintenance."

3. What are your thoughts on excessive animal prints on clothes?

"Are you trying to blend in with the Serengeti? It's like female camo. That must mean that females are always on the hunt, but I'm not really sure what for."

4. Are you a fan of leggings as pants?

"No comment on my real feelings. However, I don't see a difference in wearing leggings as pants and just wearing no pants. It just makes your legs a different color." 

5. What hair style do you not understand and why?

"Poofs blow my mind. Because it looks like you just rolled out of bed, but it took you 5 hours to do." 

6. When girls cry, what is your natural reaction? All societal pressures aside, what does it make you want to do?

"Leave and exit the situation. But since I can't, I'll awkwardly pat and rub you."

7. In all honesty, do guys panic if their significant other gets a little fluffy post-marriage?

"When I lay my head on your tummy, I don't want to feel like I'm hitting a brick."

8. What chick show/movie/music do you secretly tolerate?

"My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I love that movie. Can't really handle any of your shows, but that Katy Perry song is kind of catchy." 

9. Do you think our toilet paper usage is extreme?

"There's no way an individual needs that much toilet paper. It's like you're using enough to supply an entire village of men. I'd be raw." 

10. What's the biggest misconception that movie guys give women about real guys?

"They [jerks] always get better at the end or do a 180. After two months of leading you along, then breaking your heart, an epiphany occurs and they run after you in the rain. Not going to happen." 

11. What do guys think about the way girls flirt?

"I find it annoying when they are unoriginal or obviously lying. For example, 'You're so strong.' I just opened up a jar of pickles. Chill out. And emoticons. After the first 5 smiley faces, I gathered that you liked me. The other 74 were just creepy."

12. Describe a girl's bathroom routine in detail.

"Put stuff on your cheeks. Put stuff on your eyelids. Put stuff on your eyelashes. Put way too much stuff on your lips. Put stuff in your hair. Double check. Triple check. Somehow pass 25 more minutes. Then emerge."

_____________________________

Justin is a real married guy living in Jonesboro, Arkansas.