You've Been Warned

Throughout your life, you get bombarded with warnings--advice passed down through the ages. I was sitting at work today and it hit me: no one really tells you about your mid-to-late twenties. They are like this black hole of time that no one wants to acknowledge.

They tell you to watch out for the "freshman 15."

But they don't tell you about the "Desk Chair Double Digits." Oh yeah. Get ready to get chubby. Considering you at least had to walk to class, your freshmen poundage is nothing compared to what happens to your stationary badonk that only gets up to see if someone made coffee. 

They warn you about not becoming a teen mom.

They don't warn you about everyone and their mother asking you when you are going to reproduce. 

They warn you about menopausal hot flashes.

They don't warn you about the constant change in body heat that occurs when 15 individuals, with 15 different body temperatures, coexist in one setting. One minute you want to peel off your cardigan and douse yourself with water cups, the next minute you want to sit on a space heater. 

They warn you about germs and instruct you to brush your teeth.

They don't tell you that looking at a doctor's face will cost you two weeks of work-- if you're lucky. And that your teeth will disintegrate more after every dental visit. Welcome to your body falling apart slowly and expensively.

They tell you that you should never settle for less.

They don't tell you that sometimes you have to start at less, less, less. And work your way up to less, less. And when you settle for just less, you will be ecstatic.

They tell you high school is the time of your life.

If it is dear Lord, take me now. If acne, weird clothes and being called "Virgin Ears Ashton" is the highlight of my existence, I think I'll jet. 

They warn you about adolescent bullies.

They don't warn you about adulthood bullies. You mean all grown-ups don't act grown-up? Tah-dah. Welcome to 26. The toilet swirlies have subsided, but the misery continues. 

They warn you about the dangers of drinking and driving.

They don't warn you about the dangers of being a cranky, stressed out, 5 o'clocker with a tendency to repeatedly refer to everyone as "idiots." Friends don't let friends drive ticked off. 

Like with any stage, the 20s have their perks and problems. But you can at least say that you've been warned.