Raise your hand if you watch shows like Project Runway and follow pop culture way more than you should. Because I can't see you out there, I am going to assume there are some other guilty parties joining me in a good old-fashioned arm lift.
I always dreamed that when I worked in a professional setting I would get all "The Devil Wears Prada" on everyone. High heels, pencil skirts, blazers.
And then life happened.
I leaned over to pick something up that I dropped today and I saw a flash of flesh tone. Oh no. I subtly move my leg a little, only to see a gaping hole in my black pants. Hot, Ash. Real hot. Miranda Priestly and Meryl Streep would have simultaneously kicked your bootay out of corporate for such slouchiness.
That is when they're not shaking their heads at your frequently wet sock bun, bursting middle button (why hello there) and the five identical pairs of flats you own.
When did I downgrade from my idealistic picture? When I found out that high heels make my entire leg go numb. And that blazers might as well double as straight jackets.
And while we're on the subject, let me tell you how these new trends would do in the real world, ladies:
1. High-Waisted Shorts/Pants. You know when you sit down after Thanksgiving dinner and you lie back like you're a Macy's parade float they just pulled the plug on? Well, try sitting at work for 5 hours post-lunch feeling like someone is trying to fit a float into a Subway sandwich bag. Oh, and you look like your Mom circa 1982.
2. Halfsies Hair. You would flat out never get a job. Except maybe at Hot Topic. People wouldn't assume you were on the edge of fashion glory; they would assume you handed your two-year-old some scissors and then fell asleep. Either that or you are going to staple them to smithereens.
3. Draggin' Drawers. If I wore these to work, people would probably assume I never had to get up to go to the bathroom. Your performance scores may rise because of the lack of breaks you have to take. There's room for at least 3 pairs of Depends in there.
4. Thick eyebrows. These ain't so sexy down in normal land. I can think of two purposes: If you're a school teacher, great for lessons on caterpillars. If you're a Coach, not a drop of sweat will reach your eye mid-huddle.
5. Jumpsuits. It's 4:55. You've been trying to knock out last minute paperwork so you can hit the elevator. You feel like at any minute your bladder might burst. Well, fashionista, enjoy getting out of this one in time. Hope you brought some extra draggin' drawers for the ride home.
6. Over the forehead headbands. Not gonna lie. I've tried this and wished it would work. But I somehow feel like I should love people more and talk several speeds slower. Plus, people just won't take you seriously at the office.
7. Scarf mania. I get a kick out of this one on Pinterest. There's these itty bitty girls drowning in a sea of knit. I can see the play by play of this one. I come in, sit at my desk, and unravel myself for 10 minutes. Before I know it, a Hansel and Gretel trail of yarn darts down the hallway and out the door.
So I have holes in my pants 80 percent of the time. And I sometimes, in moments of despair, wash dry-clean only garments.
But I'm a real girl living in the real world. And comfort and practicality will always rule.
Because I don't get paid enough to look ridiculous.
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