What $8 Can't Buy

Today, working at the mall, I got to witness what is being called (by only me as far as I know) "Black Friday's younger, more insecure sister." Also known as Tax-Free Weekend. I don't touch shopping days like this if I can help it. Call me frivolous, but I prefer to pay a little more and keep my sanity. 

But most Americans don't feel the same. I once saw people waiting in line for hours to pump gas that was 10 cents cheaper. I'm sorry, but 2 hours of my time is worth more than that. Yep, I'm that important. We complain about what minimum wage pays us but are complacent with sitting for 10 hours to get a new DVD release for Christmas. 

People flooded the mall today, stores were running to the bank to get change, I left for lunch and it took me 20 minutes to find another parking spot. It was madness. And for what? 8% off. Think about it. You walk into a store on any other day and see a big yellow sign that reads, "8% off! Today only!" 

If you're like me, you would go, "Oh, thanks Target. I appreciate the gesture. How kind of you." But talk about it on the radio, put a sign on the door and it is the best thing since Doc's Popcorn.

I have compiled a list of why I am so happy. There is just a certain satisfaction that a saved $8 can't buy:

1. No one ran me over with a cart.

2. I didn't have to share an aisle with a stroller, 18 kids and a mother who is putting toys back while her two-year-old screams.

3. I didn't have to get one whiff of body odor.

4. I didn't have to wait behind the goofball who can't grasp, "Sir, food is not tax free. No, it does not count as clothes even though most of this ketchup will end up on your shirt."

5. I didn't have to wait while another goofball blocks you from driving through the parking lot while they wait with their blinker on while a mother puts 3 children in car seats, loads her shopping bags, checks her text and then decides to pull out. Oh, and there was another space two down. May you not run out of breath now, good sir.

6. I didn't have to look through a pile of discombobulated clothes and shoes that are thrown on the floor. And yes, I just wanted to use the word discombobulated. 

7. I didn't have to look at school supplies, thus sending me into involuntary school flashbacks. 

8. I didn't have to look for the missing shoe that has walked off from its partner in every Payless box. 

9. I didn't have to be touched or harassed by space invaders who think it's totally OK to crawl under me to get to the bottom shelf. 

10. I didn't have to to do the awkward I'm-passing-you-now walk by when stuck behind the I'm-going-to-walk-slow-but-back-and-forth-as-to-block-your-lane-change lady. 

If you went-- ok, if you went and didn't kill anyone-- I salute you. You're brave. If you're like me, don't feel like you missed out. You can't even buy a meal at McDonald's anymore for less than 8 bucks. Just think of your absence as a lifesaver. I'm feeling skinnier already.