The Face Wash Girls

I have been doing what most people do on rainy, lazy Saturdays-- watching TV. Lots of it. And watching it just for the sake of watching it. I have been rotating between the SciFi channel, E News and some infomercial about extreme weight loss. All are equally scary.

But when you watch large amounts of TV, you also get large quantities of commercials. People get all up in arms about how movies and television shows are corrupting the youth and obliterating our body images. And yes, they kind of are. But what about the commercials, people? They are all filmed in Lollipop Land, where no one has cramps or needs more nourishment than a 100-calorie pack. That's what I'm boycotting these days. Fast-forwarding through most of them is my self-sacrificing way of sticking it to the man. Otherwise, our children will grow up believing:

• When you wash your face in the morning, you are supposed to be smiling while you splash your face like you're trying to compete with Shamu's entrance. Oh and the best part? You only use acne wash for the fun of it; your face is as clear as a freshly Windex-ed window.


• When you tell people you have Key Lime Pie for the night's festivities and you pull out Key Lime Pie-flavored yogurt instead, no one will be disappointed. Let's just say you don't want me as a guest if you think that's equivalent.


• If your Mom has Bounty, she will think making a mess is fun. I love how the dog will come trailing mud, the kids will spill all of their drinks and the Mom is playfully shaking her head while she soaks up the Sunny D. Um, no. Try this one at home, kids. I dare ya. You'll have to get Brawny to pick you up off the floor.


• Having that time of the month is fun, girls! You will want to run through a field, be given piggy back rides and still eat healthy snacks. Get back to me when you hit puberty and let me know how that is working out for you. Hopefully you won't be in a field because it will probably include a shovel.


• That it is totally acceptable-- when you want money-- which is pretty much always-- to start singing opera in public. I don't know who JG Wentworth is, but he needs to calm down and get his cash later.


• That eating Lunchables will make you a popular kid. 4 small, circular pieces of processed meat does not a future celeb make.


• That a Fiber One bar will fight off the temptation of a donut. Are you kidding me? Unless it's been under a gas station heat lamp since the day before, I'm going to have to pick the Krispy Kreme.


• That make-up will actually look like that on you. If your idea of a 100% skin complexion match means me looking like I have a rare but incurable skin condition, you are right on Revlon.


• People who have candles and air fresheners have time to just walk around and breathe in the sea breeze. Negative. It's usually a desperate attempt to hide the burned lasagna smell before people come over.


• Cleaning supplies are for people to clean already spotless bathrooms and kitchens. Just for the fun of it.

So, you see, I don't get my many complexes from watching "America's Next Top Model" re-runs. I get them from the no-name actors and actresses who try to sell me perfection that is never going to be.

No amount of paper towels, Lysol, or face wash is going to mask real, unedited life. The secret is not trying to hide it yourself. Let people know you're not perfect. Tell your kids you cheated on a test in high school and it was a terrible decision. Tell your husband that you wish for your 17-year-old body back, don't just eat yogurt and writhe in pain. Cling to your Pamprin for dear life, oh poor teenage girl. Only then will the subliminal messages in every ad begin to leave us alone.

“Real life is sometimes boring, rarely conclusive and boy, does the dialogue need work.”
― Sarah Rees Brennan