The BAT Club

It seems like yesterday it was wedding season for me. Every 2.5 seconds I was driving to David's Bridal to pick up a bridesmaid dress, with the ever looming, "Always a bridesmaid never a bride" phrase resounding in my ears. I have now reached a new phase of life: Baby shower season.

I felt very confident in my ability to buy you a dinner plate. But walking through the baby section at Target, I felt like I had a visible thought bubble above my head declaring to all those around: "I have no idea what I'm doing here." I looked down at the registry. "Receiving blankets," it says. Suddenly an image of a baby shooting out of a cannon only to be caught by this special, bouncy receiving blanket popped into my head. What's a receiving blanket? What is it used for? What is it receiving? Slight panic.

I thought I was all clever when I placed myself into a self-created group called, "Scared Of Babies," but then quickly realized that the acronym was not so nice. Instead, I am the president of BATs. Babies are Terrifying.

No, but really. Here are some signs you may need to come to our anonymous meetings.

Moms say, "He is just in a bad mood. Don't feel bad."

You hear: "Yep. You looked at my precious, cordial baby and he started screaming. Thanks."

Moms say: "It comes natural."

You hear: "It comes natural...that is, if you are a naturally born mother."

Moms say: "The poop and projectile vomit won't bother you when it's your own baby."

You think: "I love my husband. To death. Doesn't make his bathroom trips smell like roses."

Moms say: "Your body will learn to adapt."

You hear: "You will be a complete zombie. Like try out for "The Walking Dead" and get the part zombie. Hope you enjoy your two hours of sleep.

Moms say: "Your body will never be the same."

You hear: "You think you're a big bowl of Chunky Monkey now? Just wait."

Moms say: "You will forget all the pain when you look at your darling baby."

You hear: "Your kid is adorable. But you will still feel like you got hit by a truck...twice."

Moms say: "You can never get enough diapers."

You hear: "You can kiss buying any new underwear for yourself goodbye."

Moms say: "Breast pump."

You imagine: Cows hooked to machines inside of a barn.

Moms (and dads...eww) say dilated and or/centimeters.

You think: Why the play by play? Just let me know when there's a baby in the arms.

This is of course dusted with Ashton's usual sarcasm, but really-- the whole pregnancy/baby thing scares me. But then again, marriage did too-- and I am currently doing just fine. So I know that when the time comes (I need some more time, Lord) I will adjust and make it through. But lucky for my pregnant friends, their children get to be my guinea pigs. Mwhahaha.

Don't flood my inbox all at once with babysitting offers. :)

"Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile…initially scared me to death." - Betty Bender