With this Ring, I Me Wed.

I just read an article about a girl who just celebrated her ninth wedding anniversary ... with herself. Yep, the Dutch woman, in front of a cloud of witnesses and cameras, said "With this ring, I me wed." I wish I could make this stuff up.

I am very much a proponent of loving oneself. In the "Love your neighbor as yourself" persuasion as opposed to the "Put me on a reality show and invade my life" self-worship.

Weddings are stressful if there is actually another human being involved. Why endure such measures when you could look in the mirror and say the same thing?

But moving on-- I have compiled the differences involved in being married to yourself versus another person.

Married to yourself: Reality TV is your reality. You are the adopted Kardashian sister.

Married to a husband: Your false reality is popped with the dart that is an incessant amount of comments. "I can't believe you watch this," "You know that the Bachelor isn't real right? Like he doesn't love either of those girls." "That argument was so staged. You know the producers told them to say that, right?" Pretty soon, the NBA play-offs are looking mighty appealing to watch.

Married to yourself: You don't have to worry about signals you are giving off, whether good or bad. Wearing the same sweatpants 5 days in a row doesn't mean you're giving up on life.

Married to a husband: It's all about the subtleties. Your regularly worn sweatpants speak volumes. Your smiles now have to be the right smiles. One failed look or missed cue could land you in for a field of surprises or disappointments.

Married to yourself: You complete minor details that have to be managed because you know you are the only person who is there to do them.

Married to a husband: You now stick the new roll of toilet paper on top of the holder instead of placing it properly inside. It's like this stand-off of stubbornness until someone finally cracks.

Married to yourself: If you're interested, you're interested. If you're not, you can walk off.

Married to a husband: "Hey baby, come watch this," will become a phrase you both love and fear. I know I'm usually in for a YouTube video that involves animals or a UFC match that involves body triangles or broken limbs. I personally don't like my body in anyway linked to a shape it's not already in, but I attempt to grasp the "art" and avoid calling it wrestling.

Married to yourself: You make your own friends.

Married to a husband: You get to journey into the world of making "couple friends." It is a tricky endeavor because you kind of have to go two for two for it to work entirely. They should probably have e-Harmony for couples. Instead, you get to feel it out with the new person you've met. You listen for subtle hints to let you know if setting up a double is going to work. Things are going so well and then the guy has to drop that his wife only eats locally-grown lettuce, wears a piece of yarn in lieu of a wedding ring to boycott the diamond minds, and doesn't believe in watching TV. Sweet Justin knows at this point that it will simply be a bro relationship. And so it goes..

Married to yourself: For dinner, anything is free game.

Married to a husband: You can't just pop some popcorn, get out a slice of cheese and eat a bowl of cereal like you used to previously. You now have to combine an assortment of colors and food groups when you suggest or prepare a meal. I resorted back to my old ways while my mom was here. "You can't have cheesy mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese on the same plate! You need some green." Mom- 1, Ashton- 0.

Married to yourself: The TV is your domain.

Married to a husband: You learn how to get 3 DVR-ed shows in within an hour. Justin will say, "Hey, I've gotta run to softball practice." First plan of attack? "How long are you going to be there?" "Oh, don't worry. It will only be like an hour or so." After waving goodbye, I run to the living room and begin all of my recorded shows that he can't stand. Once I get the gist of what they are saying, I will fast forward it. If they aren't explaining themselves fast enough, they are getting two fast forward arrows on their face. He'll walk in and I'll nonchalantly say, "Oh, I'm just finishing up my show. I'll turn it to ESPN after."

I spent several years practically married to myself so I can write these up all day. But when I really read the advantages of being married to myself, they seem petty and, well, somewhat selfish.

When you marry someone else, you are essentially separating from yourself and divorcing your selfishness. It is a long process and doesn't happen immediately upon the exchanging of vows. I pray that I can grow each day and display less of me and more of Him.

And I should probably start by putting the toilet paper in the holder. Be right back.