The Couple Club

“Don’t do it.”

“On your honeymoon night, always remember…[this is a family blog. But it made me very uncomfortable.]

“Oh, you just have that glow about you. Wait until it wears off. Mine has.”

“Let me just tell you what to go buy at Wal-Mart [insert TMI].”

What do all of these statements have in common?

They are a tiny star in the universe of stuff married folks say. All of these sentiments were shared with me, mostly by acquaintances. I guess now that I am a member of the elite club, I can now go around and make people feel extremely awkward before they tie the knot. I’m sure I will soon find out, but there is just something about sharing the marriage bond with your fellow man that makes people spout strange sentences to people who barely know them. Oh, they’re getting hitched—guess it’s time to spill the beans about Bill and Thelma’s ‘bedside manner.’ Even my mother (yep, I know you’re reading this) has begun to talk to me like I am in this special society. You’re still my mom. And he’s still my dad. Eww.

This blog is entirely tongue-in-cheek and I in no way want you to analyze and recall everything you said to me prior to my nuptials. It’s just more of this fascination with shared circumstances. I don’t have any kids, but I’m sure it’s a similar experience when you’re about to give birth. People just shower you with unsolicited advice, stories, and moments that make you sheepishly slide down in your chair, secretly hoping the floor will open up so you can fall in.

Because I am a list person, I have divided these people into subgroups:

‘The half-empty glass fell off the shelf and broke’ people — These people are here to keep you grounded. They wish you all the happiness in the world, unlike their nephew who is going through his 2^nd divorce and is trying to get his kids back because their mother is cheating with the guy next door. But good luck to you! And when anything is said about your husband’s good qualities, you are usually met with an “Enjoy it while you can!”

The “If Ya Know What I’m Sayin” People — These individuals live to be vague and throw out innuendos. “You’re really going to enjoy your wedding, if ya know what I’m sayin. Have fun in Jamaica, if you know what I’m sayin. Keep him in line, if you know what I’m sayin. Most of the time you don’t “know what they’re saying,” but you nervously laugh and shake your head.

The Informants — These patriots think it is their duty to make sure you know what you’re getting into. Because all men are exactly the same, numerous anecdotes from their husband’s skeleton closet will surely prepare you to handle yours. Thank you, mam. I will never look at Mr. Henry the same way after knowing he gnaws at his toenails as his nightly ritual.

I don’t think that these people became these people on purpose. I think it all boils down to the fact that we just don’t ever know what to say. Weddings, funerals, graduations, birthday parties. We’re just at a loss for words—so we use a lot of words. Makes sense, right?

When in doubt, take note: newly married couples just need your encouragement and love. We don’t expect ground-breaking marriage advice or an eloquent display of marital perfection. We know it’s going to be hard and that there will be times when we look at each other and go, “Seriously?” But that’s why we have you. You aren’t just some person that ate a cupcake at our reception—you are our lifeboat, our team. We need you to be there, to encourage us and remind us of why we fell in love in the first place.

So when pondering whether to tell us your husband sleep walks naked to eat cheese out of the fridge or that castiron skillets are good weapons, just know that a simple, “Keep plugging, we love you” does the trick just fine.