The Rays at the Oscars

Justin and I may have spent most of the Oscars downing theater candy with friends and playing funny expressions repeatedly in slow motion, but we can at least say that we took part in this traditional event.

I only got the boy to watch it in the first place because I told him the creator of “Family Guy” was hosting it. Suddenly melodramatic singing wasn’t so intolerable after all. If Seth McFarlane would star in every Broadway musical that comes to Memphis, my life would be complete.

We weren’t nominated for any awards in 2012, though it wasn’t for a lack of trying. There were many dramatic debuts this year that deserve recognition. So starve yourself, get a pixie cut, put on a dress, and enjoy:

• Best Actor in a Leading Role: Justin Ray in “Give me Amour Chances, Officer.” After being pulled over in St. Louis on the way to a Cardinals game, Mr. Ray delighted audiences as a foreigner far from home who is attending a baseball game for the first time. The cop that only gave him a warning said: “Two thumbs up. The Cardinals shirt and boyish enthusiasm sealed the deal. Have fun, you two.”

• Best Actress in a Leading Role: Ashton Ray in “Silver Linings Playbook with a Few Pages Torn Out.” Ashton gives a compelling, emotional performance in this drama about a girl who finds herself in a new town, unemployed twice, with her favorite car sent to the junkyard to be sold for parts. She is given a kitty to keep her company but soon realizes it was an extra in “The Exorcism of Emily Rose.” Entertainment Weekly says, “And you thought that cat was crazy.”

• Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Justin Ray in “Argo Find You,” the adventurous epic that follows the husband of a directionally-challenged wife. In the climatic conclusion, leading lady Ashton cries amidst sobs, “I’m…I’m somewhere in Weiner!”

• Best Actress in a Supporting Role: Ashton in “Life of Fi.” She may not hold a candle to her dog-walking costar that bravely faces harsh winter potty breaks, but her evolvement throughout the movie is what makes her performance so inspirational. People Magazine says, “She goes from laughing at Sarah McLachlan commercials to loving a dog in only two hours.”

• Best Director: Justin Ray in “Les MiserBLAH” and “Les Get’Er Out of the Ditch.” Nothing says “Let’s Be Friends” like a volcanic bout of food poisoning and lodging your car into a steep ditch. It takes quite the director to lead someone out of these situations, both of which occurred at the same couple’s home. Us Weekly says, “I can’t believe that couple still hangs out with them. I wouldn’t.”

Some other quick credits:

Cinematography: Justin for his beautiful film, “The dog running around on the deck outside.”

Costumes: Ashton in “The chocolate-covered pants I wore today” or “I wonder if I could put a post-it note over this giant rip.”

Sound Editing: Ashton in “I shouldn't have said that while I was driving.”

We may not have a gold, spray-painted Ken doll standing on our mantle, but we acted our hearts out this year.

We are about to celebrate our first anniversary and I still have friends despite throwing up all over their yard.

I'll spare you the mumbled, incoherent thank you speech and just say: Stop pretending that life is a rehearsal. It's not. It's the real thing. It's the movie. Sometimes it's Les Miserables and sometimes it's Audrey Hepburn. Sometimes you're the leading lady and sometimes you hold Camera 3. But in whatever you do,

Shine.