"Those People"

 

We all have "those people" in our life. Those people you swear to yourself you will never become. Whether it's the mom who drives a mini van. Or the lady who becomes a pack rat. Or the man who answers the questions of others with unrelated, lengthy stories. Or my favorite one: people who stare down parents with screaming babies until they have one that loses it in Kroger.  

I became one of my "those people" last night. I dressed up my puppy in a hot dog costume and paraded her around in public. I knew the transformation had taken place when Justin and I asked the Petco lady if they had any Halloween costumes remaining. "Sorry, all we have is a hot dog costume." We didn't reveal to her that this was what we were in fact looking for. Had we, she probably would have remarked to her co-worker that she will never be one of "those people" who makes that obvious weenie dog-hot dog connection. Oh well. She'll probably drive a 15-passenger van some day. 

Perhaps I have also become these people I once scoffed at:

• Those people that...get excited when the word "comfort" or "flex" is on the side of a shoe box. I may or may not have purchased shoes with memory foam in them last week. 

• Those people that...give a Facebook play-by-play of a husband-wife conversation that occurred in the living room. Yeah, it's annoying. But how else would people know how precious we are?

• Those people that... watch senseless television to unwind. The last thing I want to do after staring at a spreadsheet all day is watch 60 Minutes. Give me some people who make me feel better about myself. I don't want one lightbulb to blink on.

• Those people that... wear Mom clothes. My dearest mother will take me into her closet on occasion and show me items she bought that she doesn't like or can't wear anymore. I jump on that like it's a Goodwill bin. 

• Those people that...try to make lame stories fit the topic of conversation just because you want to tell them. "Speaking of last night's episode of '30 Rock,' I tripped on a rock today and landed on my face. It was hilarious."

• Those people that... have a landfill purse. You know that lady you could walk up to in church and ask, "Ms. Whittenheim, do you have any cheese in there?" And she would actually pull out pepper jack? At this very moment, I have a toothbrush, toothpaste, and random receipts coated in melted ibuprofen. 

• Those people that... use caffeine as an excuse. Um, sorry I just unloaded every unfair thing that has ever happened to me in my life and wept snotty tears on your couch. I haven't had my two cups of coffee yet. 

• Those people that... drive a car until it burns into a pile of ashes. Now the idea of a car payment scares me more than being trapped in a scary alley in the rain with an engine problem. I was reminded of this when, post fender bender a few months back, the cop asked, "Did she do this to your car?" "No." "What about this?" "No." "What about this one over here?" "Um, no sir. IT'S BEEN THROUGH A LOT OKAY?"

If I have learned anything-- it is: never say never. Because as soon as you do, you will find yourself sitting in a minivan wearing elastic-waist jeans.

And loving every minute of it.

We would rather be ruined than changed;
We would rather die in our dread
Than climb the cross of the moment
And let our illusions die.
~W.H. Auden