What's in a Name?

I’ve got a few insignificant pet peeves; annoyances that don’t send me over the edge, but cause me to inwardly say, “Seriously?”

One of them has got to be people who have and/or have kids with super weird names, yet act considerably offended if you mispronounce it a tad or *gasp* misspell it. I am so sorry that I didn’t realize that Emily was prefaced by five letter E’s for dramatic effect. Or that George was your daughter. This is very trendy among celebrities. Blue Ivy? Really, Beyonce? Did you dump out a Crayola box and pick one? I’m all about unique names, but I’m also all about thinking about your kid’s future. Jessica Simpson, Maxwell could have the potential for being kind of cute when your daughter is a darling child.

But when she is 65, people will assume she is an old, wealthy man with a pipe and pinstriped vest (You know you’re picturing him right now). Give the girl a break.

I say this because I was pretentiously corrected today after botching one of the strangest names I have ever come across. It’s just kind of hard when your child, for some reason, has 5 consonants in a row. Vowels are cool. And you're not German. So use them.

Also remember that just because your child goes by a fairly normal 2^nd middle name, it doesn’t mean they are spared from constant humiliation. First day of school every year: “Is Wolfgang Constantine Bryan here?” Sinking down in his chair, you hear a timid squeak, “It’s…it’s Bryan.”

And then there’s those people who take a very common name and butcher the spelling on purpose. You might as well spell her name, “Brittany” because that is how it’s going to be written on every nametag she receives her entire life. Our apologies, Brittneeighye.

Don’t forget the alliteration family. Why hello there, Brad, Brooke, Brady, Brinkley and Brian. I solemnly swear to not get your name confused with your sister’s. They’re so very different— I don’t know how I could do such a thing.

On the flip side, I have noticed that it is the people with common names that feel the need to expand: “Hey, this is John Smith. J-o-h-n S-m-i-t-h. I would like to be seen by the doctor today.” Thanks sir. I was this close to going with Smethe. They are usually followed up by a man who says, “Vladimir Czerkowski” and just stoically stands there, daring you to get it right.

The point of this friendly rant is not to demand that you name your child something incredibly boring and easy for my sake—OK, so it kind of is. But more importantly, it is to enlighten people. If you so choose to give your child a weird name, spell it goofy or have 5 kids with the same opening consonant sound, don’t get all up in arms when others can’t quite hang. With quirkiness comes great responsibility—and lots of verbal spelling.