The Next Food Network Star

You’re looking at the girl who simultaneously boiled noodles, made a cheesy tomato sauce and baked bread in the oven last night. Just Maybelline my face and put me on Food Network. No, but really. This may not seem very significant to the average cooking person, but for me, it was quite a feat. Multi-tasking KILLS me in the kitchen. When you are making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, the peanut butter can’t burn while the jelly is being applied and the jelly can’t spill over when you get a phone call. Thus making it my go-to cuisine.

But I’m sitting there watching the newest episode of Law and Order: SVU. I am getting frustrated because without Detective Stabler, this season absolutely stinks. It’s like they don’t even try anymore. So I’m sitting there watching this horrible plot about a vigilante who takes the law into his own hands while wearing a full-on Batman-ish costume and I think, “I would rather cook dinner before Justin gets home than insult my intelligence in this way.”

If the people at NBC knew my dislike for being in the kitchen, they would realize how far from my graces they have fallen.

So I get out my computer and I type in, “I have tomato sauce, cheese, milk and pasta. What can I make?”

Up pops this recipe that “all kids will love.” This was an indication that it was easy. Justin watches cartoons sometimes. And I like to doodle on notebook paper. So I figured this could work for us and our adolescent taste buds.

I began to slightly panic when I realize I am going to have to have two burners going at once. Talk about a circus act. I got both to a manageable level and then I got a little proud. ‘You know what?’ I said to myself. ‘We’re going to throw in all our chips here and put in some buttered bread.’

Feeling even riskier, I decided I wanted to add some spices from my newly received spice rack. I read the labels: “Oregano—that sounds Italian-y,” I said to myself as I grabbed it and sprinkled some in. I’m pretty sure basil would be good on a pile of garbage so I put some of that in there too. Justin called during part of this and I said, “I’m cooking dinner. I need to go concentrate.” He probably checked his calendar to make sure it wasn’t April Fool’s Day.

The bread came out a buttered golden brown, the sauce thickened into a cheesy, blissful state and the noodles were done. It all came together quite nicely I have to say. I quickly disposed of the evidence of my adventure (i.e. spilled basil, tomato soup cans, shredded cheese on the floor and in my hair, etc). By the time he got home, I looked like I had things under control. That’s why I have to cook in complete solidarity so that people see the finished product and not what it took to get there.

Cooking is a graceful art—and we all know how I measure up in the grace and art department. But the good thing is that art comes in many forms. They stick toilets in art museums. They splash paint on a canvas and call it a masterpiece. People see deeper meaning while looking at a bent piece of metal.

Luckily, Justin does most of the cooking so I get to be the guest artist who tries her hand at a moment’s notice. And if I mess up, I just play it off as the most beautiful toilet you’ve ever seen.